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Leave it to the professionals

29 Classic Stand-up Jokes Better Than Any Viral Crowd Work

April 16, 2024

Nobody goes to a comedy show to listen to the audience. So everybody just chug your two-drink minimum, shut up and let these sad clowns have the spotlight already.

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29

Eugene Mirman CRACKED COM A womanizer from a young age. From 6th to 12th grade I was in special ed. They put me in special ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in special ed.... For the ladies. — Source

28

Demitri Martin CRACKED.COM Don't burn your toast while having a stroke. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of cha- rades. — Source

27

Richard Pryor CRACKED.COM I think there's been some sort of mistake... I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn't nothing but white people staring at me. I said, Ain't this a b***h. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthaf****g heaven. — Source

26

Norm Macdonald CRACKED.COM Who came up with this abbreviation? ID is a strange abbrevia- tion. I is short for I, and D is short for den- tification. — Source

25

Phyllis Diller CRACKED.COM Marry a young blind man if possible. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight — Source

24

Во Burnham CRACKED.COM Oh THAT'S how it works. For 15 cents a day you can feed an African. They eat pennies. — Source

23

Joan Rivers CRACKED.COM If that's what sex is, I lost my virginity WAY too early. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, The man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. — Source

22

Myg Kaplín CRACKED.COM If you love rapid fire jokes, you need Myq Ка- plan in your life. I'm Jewish. I'm not uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am. — Source

21

Nick Thune CRACKED COM My Dad always wants to go there whenever I tell him I'm depressed. I want to open up a restaurant and name it I don't care so I can finally go to the place my girlfriend is always talking about. — Source

20

Gilbert Gottfried GRAGKED.COM Gilbert Gottfried was a regular on Hollywood Squares. In this famous clip Gottfried comes up with amazing punchlines on the spot, then proceeds to mess with both contestants, inten- tionally trying to make them guess incorrectly. RIP to this joke savant. — Source

19

Rodney Dangerfield CRACKED.COM Is Rodney still king of the one-liner? When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through. — Source

18

Steve Martin CRACKED.COM That explains it! I saw the movie Crouching Tiger Hid- den Dragon and was sur- prised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden. — Source

17

Kumail Nanjiani CRACKED.COM This joke is almost 10 years old now, and I think he's manifested it. I want to be so famous that I'm the pop-culture reference that people would make to try and be racist to me. So I'd be walking down the street, and someone would be, like, 'Hey, look at this Kumail Nanjiani. — Source

16

Brian Regan CRACKED.COM The exact thought I have whenever I see a log truck now. I've never under- stood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble. — Source

15

Chelsea Peretti CRACKED.COM The walls have eyes. If these walls could talk they'd be like, damn b***h, you're back in bed again? — Source

14

Zarna Garg Y CLUB COM NE RK CITY On Her Husband: By the way, we've never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

13

Norm Macdonald SPORTS NOPM LIVE MACDONALD OB&DOU JASH EVE I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk, but I will admit it's the healthiest way to pre- pare punk. Aside from broilpunk. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

12

Amy Schumer I finally just slept with my highschool crush. But now he like expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm gonna be in 3 years. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

11

Demetri Martin Last summer I was at a par- ty and I learned that there's a small but important differ- ence between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Location, location, lo- cation. Never pee in be- tween pools either. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

10

Emo Philips I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

9

Gary Delaney I went to the ZOO to watch the monkeys wanking. Then I went to see the crocodiles and I was still wank- ing. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

8

Groucho Marx I once shot an ele- phant in my pajamas, and how it got in my pajamas l'll never know. A certified classic (I certified it just now). CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

7

Jimmy Carr People worry about their physical appear- ance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I'm worried that one of my balls is bigger...than the other two. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

6

Steven Wright I figured I'd go for a walk, she said 'how long are you gonna be gone?' I said, 'The whole time. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

5

Mike Birbiglia I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, 'Do you guys hate me? Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with I forgot what I was going to say. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

4

Eugene Mirman's Obvious Billboards Don't Throw a Try Not To Wak Baby at Anything, Up On Fire Even a Burglar There's this billboard in my neighborhood that said 'Don't leave a baby anywhere' Which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street... but it made me want to make my own obvious billboards, so I have. Don't crap in an enve- lope and mail it to yourself. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

3

Flight Of The Conchords Jemain: My father is a women's rights activ- ist. Brett: Not your mum? Jemain: Mum, No. Dad wouldn't allow that. No way. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

2

Tim Vine So this bloke said to me, As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you? I said Let me make one thing absolute- ly clear. My mother was never a young boy. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

1

Dan Cummins Somebody once told me if you have to buy something embarrassing, just don't buy that thing alone. Buy a cou- ple more things and it doesn't look weird in a group. Not necessarily true. When I added dog treats, sleeping pills and lotion to condoms... If you're still waiting for the punchline, why are you here? Luckily the store did not sell How To Have Sex With A Dog: For Dummies CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW — Source

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