29 Classic Stand-up Jokes Better Than Any Viral Crowd Work

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29 Classic Stand-up Jokes Better Than Any Viral Crowd Work

Nobody goes to a comedy show to listen to the audience. So everybody just chug your two-drink minimum, shut up and let these sad clowns have the spotlight already.

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Joan Rivers CRACKED.COM If that's what sex is, I lost my virginity WAY too early. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, The man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

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Kumail Nanjiani CRACKED.COM This joke is almost 10 years old now, and I think he's manifested it. I want to be so famous that I'm the pop-culture reference that people would make to try and be racist to me. So I'd be walking down the street, and someone would be, like, 'Hey, look at this Kumail Nanjiani.

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Zarna Garg Y CLUB COM NE RK CITY On Her Husband: By the way, we've never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

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Demetri Martin Last summer I was at a par- ty and I learned that there's a small but important differ- ence between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Location, location, lo- cation. Never pee in be- tween pools either. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

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Groucho Marx I once shot an ele- phant in my pajamas, and how it got in my pajamas l'll never know. A certified classic (I certified it just now). CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

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Mike Birbiglia I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, 'Do you guys hate me? Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with I forgot what I was going to say. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

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Tim Vine So this bloke said to me, As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you? I said Let me make one thing absolute- ly clear. My mother was never a young boy. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

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