33 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of March 11, 2024

Clearly you need a diagnosis, babe
33 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of March 11, 2024

While things have stalled in the Senate, the fast-moving potential TikTok ban is giving Americans a refresher on our nation’s legislative system. The bill, which passed by a landslide in the House, is showing constituents just how fast lawmakers can move when they’re motivated. The widely-publicized hearings have served as a deranged episode of Schoolhouse Rock!, giving Americans insight as to how their laws are made. Thanks to Nancy Pelosi’s unhinged and overly-rehearsed “tic-tac-toe” speech, one Twitter user was reminded that laws get made when “old people yell nonsense at each other” in a big room. 

That said, America’s geriatric policymakers weren’t the only ones on the menu for this week’s roastings. Other burn victims included Weezer fans, fraternal twins and the biggest loser in your life.

john teufel @JohnTeufelNYC 1d I'm not sure we all fully grasp that there's a big room where old people yell nonsense at each other and that's how we get laws OF EXTREM MORTMAN Howard Mortman @HowardMortman. 2d This is not an attempt to ban TikTok. It's an attempt to make TikTok better. Tic-Tac-Toe. A winner. A winner. -- Rep. Pelosi CC C-SPAN 142 15K 99K 2.3M
tyler carey @mimiscatalog 2d baby this is the washing instructions @thenewnorm96.2d Hive, can ya'll decipher some of these songs? COWBOY CARTER act is PREMIERE whis THE . TUMBLE HP IP - - - - . - - 105 2.5K 56K 1.6M
eve @impossiblyeve 1d went here and they had a flag of u on its peak Kielerbach Loser 39° Loser X Mountain 100 3.2K 34K 1.2M
amil @amil 3d ... i love when kids will very somberly say something like, it's actually very hard to kill a giant and you have to be like, oh i didn't know that 2 371 6K 127K
gen @genmxn . 3d ... when twins aren't identical i'm like ok then what was the point of all that 46 2.3K 36K 757K
diarrhea survivor @mrnastynodrama . 3d They're called the Quebecois and they already are Marxist Lynchist @dklmarxist. 3d People who like Pepsi should be a separate lower class in society completely downtrodden 12 96 1.4K 149K
СЕРП stoned cold fox @roastmalone_.2d the people who collect TikTok's and bring them to other social media platforms so I don't have to risk accidentally hearing a 10 year olds opinion shall inherit the earth 29 1.5K 18K 518K
Los Feliz Daycare @LosFelizDaycare 19h ... marchioness of cholmondeley sounds like an inside joke between wes anderson and timothee chalamet 4 200 3.5K 152K
DeWitt В. Fartin @DeWittBFartin 3d Dudes that are 5'8 love saying I'll be there shortly like yea man we know 309 5.9K 74K 3.5M
Schaffrillas @Schaffrillas 2d on Imagine if Oppenheimer didn't win Best Picture, I feel like absolutely none of us would have believed Pacino if he said My eyes see Maestro or something 53 357 15K 507K
Big Rig @ROTCkid1 1d ... Homeless guy doing pushups outside my office calling me soft as I walk in I'm gonna have a horrible day 19 840 13K 436K
CONGINERA Snake Not A Goat @lilvipertw . . 2d iant arguing with no body with no mf eczema see ya later alligator 202 617 1.5K 252K
Swagless @nodriporswag 2d took an IQ test and they sent me a helmet 4 368 5.6K 345K
Intelligent Stoners™ @GeniusPothead 1d Hit the wax pen too hard now I'm looking like this bitch 21 3.9K 35K 859K
$NOT @snot . 1d Mf smoking a Honda dashboard 82K 381 5.9K 3.5M
omoge ! @energizrbunni 3d he looks like a singular cinnamon toast crunch idk how to explain it Outlander Magazine @StreetFashion01.4d Donald Glover (2024) 142 2 FAIR X 2.9K 73K 3.2M
@marksnotnice. 1d ... Never read this as a kid bc the cover disgusted me, don't look at me like that Alison Herman @aherman2006 . 1d every generation gets the wildly popular yet undeniably mid dragon ya it deserves. the children have fourth wing. we had this ERAGON 86 2.2K 34K 1.8M
cleo @punishedcleo.19h if my film school made me study emerald fennell i'd drop out like a hot potato cinematic_beacon Follow ... Directors to study as a film student Emerald Fennell Promising Young Woman, Killing Eve, Saltburn 59 711 12K 492K
Alison @TradWife2049 - 5d 14 y/o Neil deGrasse Tyson: you can't stuff me in that locker, the proportions of my body are too large to make such an act possible Feature First @Feature_First . 3/7/24 Neil deGrasse Tyson critiques thumpers and sandworms in 'DUNE: PART TWO'. You can't thump sand, if you do this to sand  nobody else is gonna hear it... they have the worm going straight fast, no that's not how physics work they gotta curl Source: @colbertlateshow 153 5.2K 95K 4.4M
President-Elect Toguro @PresidentToguro - 5 5d GOD HAS GIVEN US Eyes, not to judge others but to judge the French Mouth, not to criticize but to mock the French Ears, not to sensitive but ignore the French Hands, not to punish but to slap the French EVERYTHING, God gave us has its purpose. Use them for the greater glory of the LORD. 36 2.1K 15K 749K
RATNEST- Music, Games, More @itsratnest 17h ... we only buy/trade for japanese goods. please stop getting upset when i tell you i don't want these ugly things. KAELA NAT & COW FUKNO WE DON'T WANT 'EM PUMPKIN PI Michael Diaz eneraph 489 4K 38K 2.9M
kathleen @holdenfordfocus 4d pictured: unruly dog who shouldn't be allowed at the oscars and icon messi 3 71 757 28K
Marie CCS @Marie_ClySar. 19h ... I'm a little surprised by how genuinely offended I am that the British royal family had the gall to expect a warning from an American late night host. Shoulda won the Revolutionary War, babes. Kaiser@Celebitchy @KaiseratCB 1d Telegraph: Stephen Colbert didn't 'warn' the palace about the Rose Hanbury jokes celebitchy.com/862166/ ee 331 6.4K 14 224K
Ophelia/Beato @VictorianAnthy - 5d Getting queerbaited by Disney is like losing chess to a fucking pigeon Almanaque Disney @almanaquedisn... 3/7/24 Riley ? 52 96 6.1K 79K 1.4M
lil orochimaru @wickedseahag 3d kazoo voice, scared of yogurt, 1920s greeting card moon face Call me dlo @daddyssues29.6 6d There is just something about them.. tear AW 8 7 163 25K
oatmeal influencer @acechhh . 1d retail workers are in my prayers @PopBase 1d Pop Base Meghan Trainor announces new album 'Timeless' out June 14th. 79 3.2K 76K 2.2M
liz @lizb321.3d to be fair I'm not sure this was actual proof this guy was alive either anxiety at law @ANXIETYATLAW3d Never forget that the royal family allowed for this picture to be taken but they can't procure actual proof that Kate is alive IT AINT ADDING UP, YALL 161 9.7K 163K 5M
Ben Mekler @benmekler.2d Stop mid-sentence to cough really weird while hammering my chest Queen of the Big Backs @MsBigBack· 3d If your girl consistently makes you meals like this...men what are you going to consistently do? 129 4.1K 76K 5M
Chris @citehchris 1d - (on a first date knowing women like it - 77 when you ask about them) so have they diagnosed you yet 26 2,312 31.5K del 1M
@ladyfortnite. 13h $10 hannah @incilne 20h $10 or a night with him? 5 126 3,220 86.9K
HENTAI QUEEN @fuckassriley.1 17h ... Just seen a dude open the driver seat door for his girl then going to the passenger side LMAO 41 330 3,973 167K
i hate u @ihateufella 16h Every time I talk to you I feel so confused I've never met anyone like you fr baeee stop lovebombing me Read 20:26 What? This is not a compliment You scare me 15 409 4,679 del 215K


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