John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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30 of the Funniest Tweets from Wednesday, March 13, 2024

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30 of the Funniest Tweets from Wednesday, March 13, 2024

After professing love for Ryan Gosling in The Fall Guy, willingly participating in Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscar night bits and producing two nominated films, Steven Spielberg is taking some much-needed Steve time. 2024 marks the rare year in which the legendary filmmaker has nothing on the docket. At the post-Oscars Universal Gala, Spielberg told Showbiz 411 that he’s “trying to figure out what’s next.” While the E.T. director won’t have anything in production this year, he did hint at what’s next — the highly anticipated Ready Player One sequel, though he’ll be leaving that director’s chair open for someone else as he’ll only be returning in a producer capacity. 

A sentient symbiote is also gearing up for a break — and this one is permanent. Tom Hardy’s waltz as Eddie Brock and Venom is seemingly coming to an end, as the third Venom installment has been officially named Venom 3: The Last Dance. With the lackluster critical response to Morbius and Madame Web, it’s a no-brainer for Sony to pump the brakes on its superhero output. But in classic Sony fashion, giving Venom 3 such a definitive name may bite them in the ass if it ends up being a success. Originally intended for a November release, Sony is pulling back the curtains two weeks earlier with a newly announced October 25th release date. 

There are no breaks on the timeline, though, where everyone is as funny as ever. Today’s funniest tweets include those about things to do when you’re single, what not to say to a therapist and the ludicrous power of the “calming banana.”

Sick @SickGnar_Dude. 19h ... White boy stuns Japanese restaurant by asking for fork and spoon in fluent English 6 366 9.2K 276K

bald ann dowd @ali_sivi 19h ...  that was really generous of you. i hope you're not concealing something dirtier and meaner 241 2.5K 1 del 70K

Peli Grietzer @peligrietzer 18h Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is 'migraneur.' Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering 30 2.1K 14K 539K

Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs 1d Me: sorry I'm late. I broke down on my way to work. Boss: oh no is your car ok? Me: car? 4 1.1K 10K 284K

sab @sabbyku . 15h THE got high and accidentally called my bf my wife 22 671 6.1K 202K

VIII MATT MATT MATT Matt Caron @heyitsMattCaron 15h AT ZIA MAT MATT You think there's some sort of Fremen pie sitting on a windowsill? 5 247 7.2K del 226K

Jonathan Edward Durham @thisoneOverhere 19h ... Sometimes I feel like marriage is 50% what do you want for dinner and 50% here is another gross thing currently happening to my body 11 116 2.1K 235K

alisa @squirtstain 1d ... slow blinking at the oncoming traffic in order to let the cars know that i feel comfortable around them and don't perceive them as a threat 8 1.6K 20K 337K

Andrea @DreaNicole_. 1 16h ... I would rather not work Sami @Ash2happy_.22h What Shift would You Rather Work? 7am-3pm 9am-5pm 3pm-11pm 11pm-7am 92 9.6K 54K 2M

audrey farnsworth @audipenny 20h ... me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night my friend (also normal): of course 9 347 7.4K 393K

mj @bigdybbukenergy· 1d thriller. psychological. cousin greg CAT PERSON WHERE'S THE KITTY? MA 15+ - 2023 IMBb 6.0 HD A college student goes on an awkward date with an older man who may be a murderer. Thriller Psychological Cousin Greg Watch + Trending Movies on BINGE cat norsen 5 102 4,453 166K

raina @quakerraina 18h I had to stop hitting my dab pen after I took a nap on a hammock on my building's rooftop with a french bulldog and then his owner walked up crying saying she'd been looking for him for an hour. I was like oh I thought he just lived up here 5 101 4,967 152K

Adamabo @semiinteresting.2 22h ... They should have a bring your buddy to work day, your boy shows up and you get to chop it with him and take really long smoke breaks 4 284 3,701 138K

Jeff Hardy's Black Son @_ecyt . 1d ... Y'all don't wanna know seb t @mexmichaelc3ra -1 1d wyd in this situation? 543 7,083 83.2K 4.3M

recluse; @cosine_distance 17h ... i i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she's like what what do you mean smile with your eyes and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again 33 186 5,425 223K

ness @spiderburial. 1d ... my biggest mistake was somehow learning about hitler in elementary school and my parents biggest mistake was failing to tell me that he died a long time ago. resulted in me being terrified on the walks to/from school because i was 100% sure he was going to catch me 86 2,144 46.9K 1.2M

boss @joe_on_here 12h ... wow dude thanks for the gift horse. Just gonna check one little thing if that's cool 5 712 11.6K 298K

@RICKYRAGE-2 22h ... The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high. A man who lays with another man should be stoned. Leviticus 20:13 ESV 27 5 Comments 8 Shares Like Comment Share Anna Cone That's not what that verse means DUMMY View 1 previous reply Dilla Arma Nate Did u write it 23 6,700 77.3K 1.3M

MR. MITCH @gladstoned420.1d ... I bet this feels really good for the chicken nytcooking ... 3 80 2,089 67.8K

m @sus2chainz . 18h how the fuck do u flirt with someone besides saying i hope you have a good day n be careful when u drive home 166 3,131 22.5K 878K

allison @MtF_DOOM 1d ... (misunderstanding LGBT slang) That outfit makes you look like a cunt 89 15.9K 143K 4.6M

- Natalie @jbfan911 - 1d So bored. No boyfriends rn. Maybe I should work on my personality or do a puzzle 132 16.7K 106K 3.2M

Stolen Dune @StolenDans.14h ... gay blink-182: Skip Bayless @RealSki.... . 16h All in, my ass. 60 1,949 25K 2.1M

MANA @ReptilianHybrid -1 17h ... Random number texted me by mistake Today 1:31PM Do you know who you are talking We have to setup a 3D print to station for Noah in 101 when we are done with lunch Do you? I'm beginning to get angry I already set it up lol Yes I do river But not in 101 Ok then I suggest you stand down That's what Tyler has tasked us. Where did you set it up suggest you calm down our you'll be on a 30 day 102 lol .. call if you're that confused Your threats mean

james lee curtis @illsingyourn... 16h ... so before you ask why people aren't studying to become teachers anymore.....e emailed my student's parents to let them know he punched me in the face and broke my glasses and they just emailed back with this In an effort to break this routine, and I have come up with the idea to put a calming banana in his bag and he'll eat it as soon as he gets to school. Не may be hungry after the bus ride and acting out from this. Hoping that the calming banana can be his special Superpower

MJB @MeganJBradley 17h ... I have done this but I did not know there was funding available Lazzyyyyyy @em_Lazzy 4d could y'all stay in the house for a whole week without stepping a foot outside for $100k? 64 8,280 70.2K 2.6M

@T... . 1d ... thegirlpjworld n Facebook 08 PM Lol since You fuckn My bd can You get The kids ok ima stop fuckn him Lmao Sorriest hoe he ever Fw Yeah Sent 729 6,834 59.1K 2.2M

@GoodReddit 5h good reddit r/stupidquestions + Join u/nut-sucker30000 4h Do you guys think Epstein said the n word or did he draw the line there 57 36 Share + 15 315 8,849 305K

1 @holobody· 16h A psychologist asked me today about suicidal ideation and i said no, but like, i get it and saw her how face changed and knew immediately that i fucked up 56 2,923 72.9K du 1.6M

JL @JackPLamb.2 21h ... CELTICS Your employer should give you a recess 33 break if it is 60 degrees or warmer 23 4,307 44.1K du 976K

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John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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