39 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of March 4, 2024

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39 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of March 4, 2024

Another insane week is in the books as we ushered in the start of a new month. Right-wingers tried to cancel Seth Rogen because he’d rather post up in bed with a joint than wrangle toddlers. Sheldon Cooper will still be terrorizing CBS, not as Big Bang Theory Sheldon or Young Sheldon Sheldon, but a secret third thing that has yet to be revealed. Then, of course, we wrapped things up with the annual State of the Union address. While President Biden used the occasion to tick off his first-term successes and why they should earn him a second term in November, the night was quickly overshadowed by an outburst from Mother MAGA Marjorie Taylor Greene and disgraced Congressman George Santos announcing that he plans to run for Congress again despite being expelled from Washington last year. 

The new month also started off with some tremendous tweets courtesy of the timeline. This week’s funniest ones included those about scrapbook texting, a physics-defying microwave and the reason for Olive Garden’s existence.

Amanda Ach @amandaach . 18h Ok but actually me at every party I've ever been to 53 DEN'S ADDRESS TO THE NATI 87 1.2K 59K 4

Vic Damone Jr. @BbellTheSensei 23h This how you find the weapons in Resident Evil Invis @invis4yo.2d i just wanted a water... mt.Ulive MEAD & RUFTER 4 THIN CHIPS I WITH BEA AND ELIJAH CRAIG. SANS LIGHT USCH 294 13K 100K 4M

José María Luna @JoseMLuna. 1d l'll never forget you, Indian restaurant owner in Mumbai who asked where I was from and when I said Colombia he excitedly said Columbia Pictures! while doing this pose 21 1.2K 347K 27K

Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff 5h the Academy official who banned him from the Oscars: 4F DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm . 5h Multiple studios with nominated films complained to The Academy about allowing Messi to attend the #Oscar nominees luncheon event ... 50K 8 81 918

RetrO Nkechi @art_retr0 . 2 23h Her new emotion is lesbianism Disney Disney Animation Promos @DisneyAPro... . 1d Riley and a new character in 'INSIDE OUT 2' DIVID 15 213 18K 226K 6.4M

zy @zyyyski 1d this would have me shaking and rocking back and forth Weed Twitter dyke @maritimedj 1d tonight finna be a movie 4 319 5K 382K

lizzy @gayjolynecujoh - 1d I am NOT a CoComelon parent; you goin sit down and watch TRIEMAS THE MUSIC THE MADNESS THE MURDER THE MOTION PICTURE... AMADEUS EVERYTHENG TOU'TE - SICT USA الله TV adidas K - / TE IC VINCE CHERKGRA MEVILLE E BE TEAM PARKYA G E Ryan Lee @paperfisherman - 1d Replying to @coopercooperco sometimes you just gotta sit your 9-year-old down and tell em ok here's Amadeus, sink or swim buddy 255 1.2K 6 51K

Clare Considine @macrotargeting 1d staffer: Mr. President, it's a big day today Joe Biden, munching a huge block of Kerrygold butter: yeah it is boyo On This Day: The Irish flag was flown for the first time ever in 1848 The Irish flag was flown for the first time ever on March 7, 1848, by Thomas Francis Meagher in Co Waterford-learn all about Ireland's flag here! IrishCentral Staff @IrishCentral Mar 07, 2024 4 79 1.2K 66K

judith @luvslain 1d something very interesting happening on my timeline X For you Following hail @mistycalbwtch - 17m need to be slapped and strangled tbh 1 1 10 lovie @gfbehaviour.6h I NEED TO BE SHOT 1 31 blani @verysanegirl.3m need a large brick thrown at my head immediately 12 46 6.3K 37K 543K

Healthy chronicles Vol. 4 @bighealthyfr - 13h This will be a mural on the side of a liquor store in East Los Angeles by tomorrow morning Gh0stBeat @BeatGh0st.1 15h 19 2.2K 9.3K 288K

sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy2 22h ... Me: *coughs* *coughs again* Husband: Are you ok? Me: Yes. *secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don't want to share* 27 190 3,159 73K

Duolingo @duolingo . 1d you really captured my eyes guilherme nunes @guilher... 2d Duolingo Galherme Nuncs 216 8,330 122K 3.5M

anna @moonbeeaam .1d i'm an unapologetic double, triple, quadruple-texter. i am a scrapbook texter: i i will send unrelated messages at any time during the day of thoughts and pictures, anything i found interesting 20 1,911 9,878 402K

caesararum, BS, DOGS @caes... 1d ... Redditors who have eaten at the Times Square Olive Garden, why?   28.9k points 6 years ago I have a buddy who goes there when he is breaking up with someone. Не doesn't want to ruin any other restaurants. permalink embed save report 23 784 21.7K 641K

@cardamomkiss 1d ... She died doing what she loved. Walking into the road while saying Pedestrians have right of way 108 8,359 70.4K 2.3M

liliamo @spittingclots.1d sotce 13h ... X Dalla modalità Crea > Ask me a question what advice would you give to an unloveable girl Pilates? 4 576 5,610 120K

tara @proletarat.20h : My friends in college had a microwave that would still run with the door open 366 2,344 92K du 4.3M

jocelyn @iwannarob.20h ... a guy just made me cancel and redo his transaction because he accidentally tipped $3 SONVIO апол must DELTA PRESENTS: 51 563 34.5K 956K

S Norm Charlatan @normcharlatan - 1d Kids today will never have a friend whose older brother rents 'Species' from Blockbuster so a bunch of 13-year- olds can watch it in the basement because of woke ICICS 49 107 976 123K

chihuahua girl @fkamorena 1d 11:36 48° 4 AIRLINE MISTAKE SENDS FAMILY DOG TO SAUDI ARABIA THU 53*/32° WED 50°/23° TUE GALNATIN * Volunteer FORECAST 21 comments EVIDAD Allah has guided his pilgrimage mashallah 17 4.6K 69K 1.1M

Jeff Whitmire @JeffWhitmire1 1d ... WALDOR ESTATE I don't understand this franchise.... THING THE THINGS BUDGE SPECIAL SPOCK MATHON that you .. VENCE - - TELLURICE NEW YORK NATIONAL - PUB - - thing do! THE NEW FLM BY YORGO LANTHMOE POLOR THINGS ONLY IN THEATERS DECEMBER 8 SEARCHLIGHT PICTURES 74 405 2.8K 94K

Mason Mennenga @masonmennenga. 1d ... evangelicals: you should come to my church, we have cool music and a really positive and uplifting message catholics: Courtney Mares @catholicourtney 2 2d The skull of Saint Thomas Aquinas! C 0:10 14K 580 143K 5.9M

RKK @rkktweets 1d ... Why is your smooth plastic nub on a dead skipper's phone? POP CRAVE Pop Crave @PopCrave. 2d Barbie releases 8 new 'role model' dolls for 65th anniversary. The new line includes Viola Davis, Helen Mirren, Shania Twain, Kylie M... MAIRA COMEZ AMANI KYLIE MINO VIOLA DA REN 28 1.5K 638K 14K

@suhmeenuh . 2d new page : virgomama Congrats on the baby! good girl, bad b*tch @kay_thecoolmom3d If you know, you know! Red lobster biscuits with apple sauce 95 2.6K 32K 1.1M

W.E.B. DaBoi @Tyre_94.2d ... Me as soon as the weather hits 70 degrees consistently Cidre STELLA ARTOIS Cidre TMAPPEAN STYLE DELL 24:38 Day Drinking and Smoking Cigarettes in a Public Park at 2pm jacobfuckingjones 106K views days ago 183 15K 151K 5M

UNK jimothy @JimJubilee 2d Girlfriend doesn't like your Zyn habit? Tell her it will get her a Dyson hair dryer one day || LYN ZYN REWARDS POINTS STORES ACCOUNT CART CART dyson 10% OFF NEW DYSON SUPERSONIC AIRWRAP DRYER 10,800 points 9,720 PTS QTY: Add to Cart 9,720 1 50 844 25K du 2.1M

carson @crsnpxe 1d ... everly @theangeleverly 23m i can hear ducks but i am in my room 6 24 del 462 everly @theangeleverly . 1h literally so obsessed with black mold 8 2 42 del 1.8K 2.8K 32K 14 594K

leigh @daughter_ion . 2 23h my email has found you. prepare to die 28 4.2K 25K 3M

Wes @venusflowermp3.3d gm king oop i meant diva 11 1K 12K 382K

@milkshapes 2d I gotta get out of here top requested N 4 51 31K 1.5K

Toks @_Toks96 - 5 5h AirPods got progressively worse, when I speak to people on the phone with my AirPods on they thinking I've gone for a swim 105 3,743 20.3K del 780K

KILLER MEG (Interdimension... - 12h ... Everything runs out at once. You are knocked breathlessly to the ground by having to replace laundry detergent. You are out of spinach. No:..no you're out of hand soap.... Oh my god. I'm so sorry. You are out of olive oil. When your house of cards stood tall did you feel strong 11 1,194 14K 368K

laura @ecto_fun - 11h BIG DADDY 1999 1h 33m 14+.L QC: 13+ D) A slacker man-child adopts a son to prove that he is a responsible adult. Peacock Picks + BIG Selena DADDY Yolanda 9 A W V DEAL NO DEAL ISLAND 12 NEW EPISODES TUESDAYS P Live & Upcoming Ethan (any pronoun) @Eth... .2d HAVE I GOT THE FUNNIEST AMIND SYNDICATE GLITCH ON PEACOCK - - LMAO 21 633 9,162 426K

Pirate Queen @LadyBugAssas... 18h ... They thought Al was going to change the world and look at how y'all are using it. Lisen Al-Fahgee @SynKami·1 18h Mood: 27 914 4,580 318K

JOANNA MARIE @sunny_joni- 21h ... Why is this making me laugh so hard? 90 655 6,353 140K

bröke @hedgefundmafia-22h My skinny black neighbor if banging a new fat white lady every month was a sport WORLD BRADY ANORLOWER SMOLANV WORLD CHAMPIOUS 123 1,199 27.2K 2M

saliva @salivasisters.14h why Are you naked im Not done explaining neon Genesis evangelion 18.9K 42 3,876 del 451K

Sammy Fabelman @hankofjuly 18h ... horror fans watching the worst movie ever made and then going yeah it's honestly pretty good, there's some good kills in there 36 422 4,966 du 191K

J. Dior @ThereaUJiorr 1 1d ... I told my son that I missed him while he was at school and I be so bored without him, he goes You shouldn't have sent me to school then 98 2,333 26.2K 539K

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