25 of the Funniest Excuses People Have Given

25 of the Funniest Excuses People Have Given

We’ve all ripped a fart in a less-than-ideal situation. Most of us continue on with whatever was happening like the pfft! never occurred, or we make knowing eye contact with whoever else heard it, entering into a silent and sacred bond that neither of us will break. But every now and then, a real hero steps forth to boldly blame what everyone knows was a freaking fart on something else. Like the Home Depot employee who simply said “ducks” after squeaking out a tooter so loud that customers stopped to look and a pigeon was startled from its perch. 

Ducks? That’s the best excuse you can come up with, dude? You kinda gotta hand it to him. He just said anything and dared people to argue. Of course, no one did. 

Redditors have offered up the most pathetic excuses they’ve ever heard, and some of them actually border on genius.

taylaj . 6y I have to buy my sister shampoo we ended up rescheduling and we're dating now. ... 322
rushmountmore . 10y Found a flavored condom wrapper in my ex girlfriends room while we were dating. She said her and a friend were high and opening all the different flavors to smell them. Didn't buy it for a second. Turns out I was right and she had sex with someone the night before. ... 25
josec2293 . 1 10y I work at a grocery store, one night one of the overnight floor cleaners ate a bunch of mushrooms and called in sick, terrified, because as he claimed I can't come into work, I'm an inch tall. ... 146
whateverlizard . 5y Someone once told me, It doesn't count if its in a different zip code. And I noped right the heck out. A, S.O. I had once told me, Well I wouldn't have cheated if you were around. When I was on a two week pre planned trip. And he couldn't see why I'd break up with him over it. ... 1.1k
Krunzuku . 5y A friend in college cheated on his girlfriend because she told him he had to stop eating pop tarts to lose weight, and he didn't know how to break up with her. When she found out, he straight up told her to her face he couldn't give up pop tarts. I wish that was a lie, those things are high as fuck in calories. ... 10.7k
 . 1 10y This guy once came into class stoned, and stank of weed. When the teacher asked him about him, he said, Yeah, there were people smoking weed on the bus, and the smell just caught onto me.... It didn't go well for him. ... 83
tmbeatles9091 . 1 130d Guy told me he couldn't be at work because his kid was getting a brain transplant ... Reply 9
toodrunkforthis 11y A groupmate didn't show up to class on the day our final project was due and didn't turn in her part of the assignment. 8 or so hours after the deadline I got this email from her: I have the worst fever today. I woke up early this morning to email you the presentation and I went back to bed right after hitting send and I guess it didn't send properly because I woke up just now my email is showing an error. I'm sending it again now. Sorry! She then proceeded to upload pictures to facebook of
DragonRaider . 11y A friend and I a long time ago, back in elementary school went to a friend's house and asked him to play some sports (don't remember exactly which, it was a long time ago) and he says he can't come. When asked why he replies with: My mom wants me to stay home and play video games. ... 304
 . 6y A woman called and cancelled on me an hour before a week night date because when she had called to confirm the date 2 days earlier I told her sorry it's loud, I'm at a superbowl party. Her reason for cancelling was because it was too loud in the background when she called to confirm said date. ... 147
sehrah 11y I'm a twin. the worst excuse I constantly recieved, was Sorry I didn't invite you to my birthday, I didn't want to invite your sister Which is infuuuuuriating because 1) Assuming that's true, WE'RE NOT CONJOINED, I'm sure she wouldn't have died if I went to your party and played pass the parcel. 2) Assuming it's shitty lie, fuck you, that's a shitty lie. Don't worry, it's not cos you suck, it's your sister ... 32
DumpsterFoot . 1 11y My uncle RSVPed 'NO' to my brother's Bar Mitzvah 4 months in advance citing that he would be sick that weekend. ... 397
SaltyStrength . 5y My ex was very into astrology. She cheated and later blamed the great American eclipse of August 2017. ... 9.2k
thesecretchord 11y When I was about six, I went to a cousin's party. They had a jumper and being the reckless little kid that I was, I ended up jumping really high and getting my face stuck in the thread fence. My two front teeth hooked into to it - I came down, and whaddaya know - I'm missing two teeth. Of course, I'm fountaining blood everywhere and kids are screaming but I'm thinking 'oh shit, that's DOUBLE the money for the tooth fairy!' and start searching for them in the grass. My mom gets me and takes me in before I find them,
sammiptv . 10y My boyfriend kissed another girl while we were dating. His excuse; I didn't mean to! She was right behind me and I turned around and our lips just kinda touched. Не was like 6 foot and she was like 5 foot. I'm suuuure that's what happened. ... 104
iDontFanta. 11y During school, one of our slacker group members disappeared for the weekend. We tried email, texts, phone calls, etc. Come Monday, he was in class and explained to us, I fell asleep. I was really tired. Our response: For 3 days? His reply: Yes. ... 459
 . 5y Ex girlfriend cheated when I fell asleep... said since I wasn't responding, she assumed I was doing the same, so she cheated. wack ... 4.1k
rolipoliooo .  11y my ex girlfriend got genital warts and told me she got then from sharing running shorts with a friend. I thought she was full of shit so I asked my doctor he started laughing his ass off ... 130
sarahpalinstesticles 10y A co-worker called out of work because he drank a bad iced tea...whatever that is. ... 24
gderkatch . 10y I called out drunk at 4AM once. I woke up with no recollection of doing so. So, of course, I panic and immediately call work. Ermegeeerd, I'm sorry, my alarm didn't go off. I don't know what happened. I'm coming in right now! My boss calmly responds, You called out drunk like 3 hours ago. Go back to bed. ... 55
yourprostateexam . 6 6y 'im really hungry, i i need to eat', we were going out to dinner. ... 708
 . 1 10y Coworker on why he was late: I Q-Tipped my ears last night, and went too far into my left ear. My alarm was on the left side of my head in the morning, and I didnt hear it till now Не was fired shortly after. ... 130
 . 11y Looking for paint, I walked into a Home Depot. The paint department was staffed by a lanky Australian man. As I discussed the various boring properties of paint, he suddenly unleashes an uproriously cacaphonous fart. It echoed. Startled customers twisted their heads our way. On the roof, a pigeon was scared from its pirch. Ducks, explained the Australian. Yes, he said the fart was a duck quack. That day I learned that duck quacks smell terrible. ... 233
colleeeenn . 11y I have to babysit my little brother he was 15. I later saw her at the mall, without her brother. It wasn't uncomfortable.. ... 137
Dongsauce . . 10y My former roommate, on the phone with his boss,  can't make it today. My muffler... is to the left. ... 95


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