28 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, February 5, 2024

Let’s set the bar very low
28 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, February 5, 2024

Buenos Aires. Paris. Madrid. Yokohama. Some of the world’s most beautiful destinations have also served as hosts of the FIFA World Cup. And when soccer’s biggest event returns in two years, the scene will be set in none other than… East Rutherford, New Jersey? That’s right, some of the sport’s biggest names will be a stone’s throw from the Bada Bing! as they try to make history and bring the World Cup home to their native land. Thankfully, while FIFA announced that MetLife Stadium will host the 2026 World Cup Finals, qualifying play will start in Mexico City and continue throughout the U.S. and Canada, as the games will be jointly hosted by 16 cities in the three North American countries. 

On a completely different note, last night, the millennial lesbian in your life celebrated a World Cup of her own as some of music’s most elusive chanteuses graced the stage at the 66th Annual Grammy Awards. Thanks to the success of Luke Combs’ inescapable cover of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car,” the famously reclusive singer joined the country star to perform her Grammy-winning hit. Later in the show, Annie Lennox honored the late Sinead O’Connor with a powerful rendition of “Nothing Compares 2 U.” And fresh off her 10th Grammy win, Joni Mitchell performed Both Sides, Now with a little help from Brandi Carlile. Of course, other history was made, too — namely, for the first time ever, the televised awards were exclusively won by female acts. You’ll get ‘em next year, boys. 

The World Cup news and Grammy wins and snubs have obviously been a hot-ticket item on the timeline today, but the funny extends to a bunch of other subjects, too. Today’s most hilarious tweets include those about the singer moonlighting as an oil baroness, a beautiful Valentine’s Day business proposal and the pain of scrolling to find your birth year.

Andiamo Von Tease @anderscjay . 2h She looks like she's about to pitch a rapid blood test that only requires one drop of blood to Walgreens WWW.KACEYMUSGRAVES.COM 276 6.2K 16 162K
lez ;p @zkeditt 1d I break car windows for a living ! ! Valentine's Day offer If they ain't got no car I'll break they scooters and bikes hmu !!! Mother in law - 50$ Ex boyfriend -20$ Father in law- 60$ Baby daddy - 70 $ Baby momma - 80$ Sister in laws-10 $ Brother in laws - 30$ 2K 18 15K 436K
Invis @invis4yo 21h ... Mine is sitting on a toilet and a hidden snake attacks my vagine but okay. @itxusman__ 23h Usman Tariq Every women's biggest nightmare is late marriage 382 20K 131K 6.2M
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz• 13h ... Whenever I watch a mediocre TV show I can't help admiring the work ethic involved. Imagine pulling 14 hour days for weeks or months to make something that kind of sucks. Every mid show is a testament to the human spirit 64 1.5K 16K 585K
carter hambley @carterhambley 2 22h ... amc should have one theatre with tree stump seats where you can spit and holler 3 150 2K 96K
yash @dildoswagginzs.2 22h ... that little scroll thingy that you use to select your birth year CITA is getting kinda far 23 7K 61K ils 1M
: Ea 63 |he - doll @nymphkd 22h ... me looking for the hoes 26 2.3K 24K 565K
Chris Stanton @chrisstanton27.4 4h Is she launching a private-equity firm The Swift Society @TheSwiftSociety.16h tss 'The Tortured Poet's Department' logo TAYLOR SWIFT 12 365 11K del 292K
Skyler Higley @skyler_higley. 1 14h I'm high DAKOTA JOHNSON MADAME WFB DUBOIS N°2 33 647 10K 470K
Jenni @hashjenni 1d ... Going. Lazzyyyyyy @em_Lazzy1 1d What's yall gym goals? 145 28K 150K 12M
Jason Diamond @imjasondiamond· 17h Jack Antonoff looking like he's taking Lucille Bluth to this year's Motherboy dance. 173 4.8K 65K 2.6M
Mas aya @ayadotnet. 22h i have a soft spot for the little lesbian one... she has that look in her eyes you can often find in little rodents when they hold small berries in their paws and nibble on them boygenius source @boygeniussource • 1d boygenius at the Pre-GRAMMY Gala tonight in Beverly Hills. Clive Clive mast most ve Davis Davis itton Iton THE STAY HE STAY 99 3.7K 60K 3.2M
edna @edna_days 17h just like every other watch! The Eras Tour @tswifterastour - 17h The clock on Taylor Swift's necklace at tonight's #GRAMMYs is functional and has changed times! 6 125 4.8K 147K
michael @FilledwithUrine 21h getting my girl some lingerie for valentine's day Plus Size North Pole Train Conductor Costume Mens, R... $6999 $6.99 delivery Feb 8-9 Only 2 left. Order now. Shipped from: HalloweenCostumes Size: 2X 1 + Save for later Delete Compare Tigerdoe Conductor Costume - Train Driver Costume - Cond... 100+ bought in past month $2399 FREE delivery Fri, Feb 9 on $35 of TRAIN WHISTLE items shipped by Amazon FREE Returns In Stock 1 + Save for later Delete 23 1.1K 17K 773K
tay @ntoinedoinel. 1d ... Cristian Cisneros 3 years ago I'm lit AF and alone in my room..crying. 282 20 VIEW 20 REPLIES 23 1.8K 12K 302K
Bill DiFilippo @billdifilippo 18h ... the european mind will be forced to comprehend this TO 120 EAST TO 3 495 NTP STADIUM E Rutherford RACETRA Lincoln Tunnel N.J. Turnpike American TRAININ 1/4 MILE Dream New York City FACILITY EXIT ONLY LEFT 3 LANES NITRO 30 I I - EATH OCCL ROAD WORK AHEAD SLOW MOVING OPERATIONS 47 3.3K 50K 2.2M
brycey @gngbryce. 1 15h ... joni mitchell performing both sides now in 2024 on my tv screen CC From rosiepher archive 3.1K 8 478 175K
Douglas.J.gov @DouglasJgov.21h Celebrating Asian Culture and Cuisine Ad P MrBeast Burger 8.1 mi 46 min $0 delivery fee over $12 13 1.3K 221K 13K
biblefly I eternal sunshine 3.8 @1998Riah . 17h behind every successful woman is herself gettyimages Credit: Kevin Winter 1986381881 26 32K 4.8K 521K
Marissa Crawley @Marisaonair 16h Me a 33 year old enjoying Olivia Rodrigo's performance of Vampire. #GRAMMYs 6 3.2K 106K 165
#1 Jacob deGrom Hate Account @GregsBadTw... 21h ... Can't wait to rent my apartment to a middle eastern oil baron for 75k/week B-R B/R Football BR @brfootball.2 22h The 2026 World Cup final will be held in New Jersey B-R FOOTBALL METLIFE STADIUM a MUSIR RONALDO UIES FGGAA J APPE MESSI H. ] EN O Z 7 10 & 57 3.6K 73K 5M
Pat Céad Míle Fáilte @ColeyMick-14h GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY STEPMOM/TEACHER/SARAH PALIN/NEIGHBOR/LIFEGUARD @NYPD Lisa Ann @thereallisaann. 15h This. Is. Not. А. Bit. Real life I was arrested tonight @mattrife show at Radio City Music Hall #wtf C 45 1.4K 15K 1.9M
sammi™s TS11 ERA @blondieholic. 1d ... the girls and gays super bowl omg Pop Base @PopBase 1d The #GRAMMYs are today. 34 6.8K 74K 2.3M
Beckaroo Banzai @beckyjane02. 1d ... My friend sent me this helpful memory aid: LITTLE DAVID BYRNE CHEAD B16 SUIT HEAD DAVID LINCH = BIG NORMAL SUIT Michael Fry @BigDirtyFry·1 1d For years I didn't know David Lynch and David Byrne were different people. They were never both mentioned in the same sentence so I never copped I was using each name interchangeably. Like just assumed it was one very creative guy who did Talking Heads and Twin... 57 3K 28K 1.8M
@exstasias 1d this is beautiful lina @sIeepyfaery.2 2d guys i ordered a cherry coke and this is the first time there's evr been actually cherries in it ?!?!?!?! 73 7.1K 157K 4.7M
We're Losing Recipes! @SoualiganAmazon 15h She really is dressed like an oil tycoon. I'm screaming. Stereotypical Ken @TheConradJay 15h My mum when I start running my mouth to my uncles and aunties about stuff she's said at home: 77 1.9K 14K 568K
buth's hole @warm_hole. 2h What are my roommates doing bro I woke up in donkey kong country SRD 30 White 1x2% Rev One TAS - .09LS - GOD Easy Powle Address Labeis 191K 10K 666 28
Karen, Esq. @comradeflirty 1h ... Having a deconstructed diet coke nutricost Coke 08.02 Diet CAFFEINE FREE NO SUGAR NO CALORIES nutricost Caffeine 100MG - 250 250 Servings CH Capsules N H3C-N' Pao CAPSULES 24 280 5.8K 10 108K


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