14 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of January 1, 2024

2024 has already witnessed a consumer craze the likes of which we haven’t seen since Beanie Babies first debuted in the 1990s. The Stanley cup, particularly the humble 40-ounce Quencher H20 tumbler, has been flying off shelves thanks to its sudden designation as a must-have item. The Stanley brand, which has been around for a hundred years, has experienced a shift in its target demographic from campters and the working class to TikTokers, nurses and soccer moms everywhere. 

Thanks to limited-edition offerings and store-specific colorways of its reusable water bottle, the brand’s annual revenue has grown from $70 million to well over $750 million. The tumbler, which generally retails for $45, has been spotted on eBay and StockX selling at a 400-percent markup. As the timeline grapples with confusion around the hysteria over a water bottle, it also pointed out that a random girl at a Target in the middle of Wisconsin has done something that the Vancouver Canucks have yet to do: Secure a Stanley Cup. In fact, the surge in the water bottle’s popularity has inspired a wide array of jokes at the expense of hockey players and fans alike as the product shares a name with the NHL’s top prize. 

But the Canucks — and the entire hockey-playing nation of Canada for that matter — are in good company when it comes to the funniest burns this week. Other targets included an industry photographer who is miraculously still employed, the MLB player who should throw in the towel instead of another pitch and the child whose destiny turned out to be a G.O.A.T.