35 of the Funniest Tweets from January 2, 2024

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35 of the Funniest Tweets from January 2, 2024

Thanks to CNN reinstating on-air drinking, Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper returned to giggly form on New Year’s Eve, resulting in young adults everywhere ringing in 2024 by explaining the phrase “pass around party bottom” to their parents. (Pro tip: Don’t google that one if you’re back on a work computer.) Either way, kisses were had, champagne was toasted, resolutions were made and surely at least a few people woke up with no recollection of how they ended 2023. 

As everyone reflects on the past year, many are looking toward the future, brimming with excitement about what the year holds in store for us. There will be new comedic voices rising from obscurity, unhinged pop-culture moments bound to go viral and political scandals that will be poorly satirized on SNL. The movies we’re most looking forward to may wind up being certified flops while someone unexpected out there is waiting in the wings ready for their Charles Melton moment. And with 2024 being a leap year, we’ve got an extra day thrown into the mix, too.

Whatever newness a fresh year brings us, one constant is the funny tweets. Today’s hilarious batch include those about a snack mascot trying to avoid the same fate as his brethren, a brownie that’s been manipulated to one man’s liking and an ad exec’s daily duties.

zou bisou bisou where are you 13h ... Don draper's secretaries trying to keep a log of his daily schedule: I am paradoxical @poptw.... 21h ??? 156 DRINK 52 LOSE HIS MIND 5 LEAVE/DIVORCE 11 CHEAT 3 KILL HIMSELF 7 4 fox26houston.com 44 2,672 31.6K - 2.2M

Gatorade Should Be Thicker. 22h ... Found a great spot to meet up with a buddy and the disembodied intelligence that exists between us 62 2,940 36.6K 784K

jny the human @jnyboy 22h F 5 Awards Walked in to a bar, in Australia. Ordered a beer and then the bartender noticed i'm American. | asked, was it the accent or my choice of Budweiser beer? Не said, because ur the fattest fuck i have ever seen in my life mate ... Reply 3.7k 26 1,345 40.6K 953K

ShitpostGateway @Shit... .13h ... Yukon Ghost @GrahamKritzer  Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free *me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old* my 6 year-old: im a police 14 1,085 31.2K 676K ال

gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi-10h ... IN My friend got a tattoo on his arm that says comparison is the thief of joy and I'm really debating getting the same tattoo on my arm but a little bit bigger 73 4,939 90.4K du 1.9M

horse dentist @equine_dentist.20h ... looking for a sign and i think i found it HURTING THEM BACK MIGHT BE FUN SECONDSAPART W CON 29 4,816 39.1K 833K

michael @j3wtalian 1d ... it must feel so good to drink a potion out of a small glass vial and then throw it on the ground, shattering the empty vial as the potion's magical properties flow through me 62 4,010 44.8K del 1.1M

Smol Cat @OneSmolCat23h changing up my job search parameters 9+ indeed court jester or perhaps fool of some kind 52 10.6K 79.4K 2.4M

Audrey Porne @AudreyPorne . 7 7h Funniest reply possible Lucy @LMAsaysno 21h men on their way to post a serious reply to a tweet that was very clearly a joke TikTok @cole_from_ninjago From Richard Stott but festive 7 48 580 38.2K Angelo Follow @Sorbetorice Replying to @LMAsaysno It's not only men that do this 8:36 am 02 Jan 24 65 Views 611 10 14K 306K

Scratch O @ScratchAE__ 1d They teasing it like it's an album NEW YORK New York Post POST @nypost. 1d Bill Clinton to be unmasked as 'Doe 36' and identified more than 50 times in Jeffrey Epstein doc dump trib.al/ oHONp9d 44 2.9K 2.2M 71K

lex @elextra__ .20h my parents got my bf a watch for christmas WM НА WATCH 12 FITTED 1 2 11 FOSSIL 10 3 4 9 5 8 1 Imfao can u send me a regular pic too so i can show my parents What do you mean that is a regular pic lol 14 806 33K 578K

Dripped Out Trade Unionists @UnionDrip . 1d AMERIC MED a union TEAMSTERS Culture Critic @Culture_Crit . 2d Dear men, what is preventing you from doing this? CC MIRC :@SC FDU 1:36 89 4.7K 97K 2.8M

MOMMA $PICE @ItsMrsPlugg 1d ... My daughter is at her friends house and we told her to call us for the toast... look what she called us with WEDKY ACTIVITICS 1000 023 562 11K 174K 5.9M

reb @rebmasel . 14h ... Rosetta had her stone let me have mine Screenshots 54,386 > Screen Recordings 2,124 > Grovy @grovymango - 22h I am not a hoarder . I'm an archivist. Of my memories. 10 925 10K 372K

Amsterdam @seyishome 1d Why just our holes? Pop Base @PopBase. 1d India has officially launched a mission to study black holes. 52 737 4.8K 452K

will defries @willdefries 1d me and the boys off a few guinness CC From Larry 24 711 11K del 1M

Brizz-Chan (Mr drive) @billybrizzle420.17h When I was a kid wouldn't watch the princess diaries because I thought she was too hot and God would punish me for my unpure thoughts so I'd go pray, catholicism is crazy what were we talking about popculture @notgwendalupe 1d anne hathaway, 2005 43 1.7K 36K 1.2M

DJ SWISHA @djswisha_ 18h They are not standing on business IE WAY NEVER ON SUNDAY then it ...NOW OPEN... to Introductions SUNDAYS! Lugar GREEK OPEN ITALIAN LUNCH LES & AMERICAN DINNER (CUISINE) Bol 1970 APARTMENT FOR RENT ORE The Greatest City in America 84K 657 178 9

U DOO A adrian @yourpalcrawf 16h another edible mascot Ross Dellenger @RossDellenger - 16h Bull TO AMERICAS CARDROOM.BT 10 VII N 27:00 COX 104 3 TEXAS #SUGARBOWL 85-5 Ochsner (annuality Estate 107 3.1K 47K 4.2M

em. @ifollowedfires 1d how do i tell my evangelical mother why i'm laughing so hard at the breakfast she's made PROSE ROSE Lugis parfumide 258 1.6K 23K 1.8M

Ahmed/The Ears/IG: BigBizTheGod @bi..... 17h ... The call is coming from inside the house my brother Jason Whitlock @WhitlockJason 18h I'm looking at NFL standings on espn.com. This is the ad running above the standings. How is this possible? Appropriate? pn.com/nfi/standings Final Final Final Final k17 NYJ 20 DET 19 MIA 19 NE CLE 37 DAL 20 BAL 56 BUF FL NCAAF V NBA L NHL V MLB من Soccer ES Scores Schedule Standings Stats V Teams V Depth Charts Daily Lines Playoff Pic BALLS 1pc, Funny Happy Birthday DEEP Him Husband Boyfriend, Ur INSIDE OF Birthday Gifts Decorations ME

Tycho Cortese @tychocortese 18h The emojis, the wrong use of there, the incorrect apostrophe in Roll's ...a true comedian, a true himbo. Victoria Beckham really has it all... POP CRAVE Pop Crave @PopCrave.1 19h David Beckham shares photo with Victoria and her parents: Just a nice casual New Year's Eve lunch at The Ritz. Very working class My mother & father in law left in there Roll's davidbeckham Just a nice casual New Year's Eve lunch at The Ritz @victoriabeckham Very working class My mother & father in law left in there Roll's POP CRAVE 2 559K 461 10K

Nimisha Barton @NimishaBarton - 22h My husband made those easy bake pillsbury crescent rolls this morning. Ladies and gentlemen, the crescent rolls: WA DA ZONE 2.7K 6.5K 122K 13M

janito @yassnito.18h ... this would eat as her linkedin photo POP CRAVE @PopCrave.2 23h Pop Crave Lady Gaga stuns in new photo. 80 7.9K 164K 5.9M

s malaina @123lgSwift.20h just started reading my first book of the new year!! Cheesecake The Factory 1K 36 20K 699K

CHUNK 1983 370 STATE the future lasts forever @pourfairelevide - 22h NY WASS 16 7.79 Surveying the damage from last night, and someone took a DIA $5.8 bite directly out of the Parmesan DE 235K 10K 423 52

slate @PleaseBeGneiss. 17h imagine getting your dessert gerrymandered Marie @mesolude. 21h Не keeps cutting out deranged shapes from my brownie 86 6.6K 112K 4.4M

cat daddy @brill 1d fb boomer posting is just on another level Waltham, MA Residents ... X Denice Hope Anne Hobart-Drecksville . 1h JUST HEARD SHOTS FIRED IN GLEN MEADOW WEST. 15 13 comments 890 31 18K 418K

BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL @edsbs.2 21h ...  not your call, muchacho ReadRodge Rodger Sherman HoneyClion @rodger . 22h The Cheez-It mascot does not want to be eaten FILL EVERY BOWL WITH CHEEZ-IT FILL EVERY BOWL WITH CHEEZ-IT NON- EDIBLE MASCOT BOWL CHEEZ-IT CHEEZ-IT baked snack crackers ORiGiNal - 100% REAL CHEESE 644 12K 28 del 1.1M

Who You Callin' Turkey @whoucallinturky -2 23h My wife looks at me knowingly from across the room. It's time to make the 9/11 stew again STAUB Save Julia Gartland for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Barrett Washburne. Dijon and Cognac Beef Stew By Regina Schrambling Yield 4 to 6 servings Rating 5 (9,371) Time About 3 hours This rich, comforting stew was brought to The Times by Regina Schrambling in 2001, in the dark davs immediately following the attacks on 34 1.3K 25K ils 1.1M

multitude container @bartleby_era.1 17h once a year i check this list and see if they've invented any new ones List of types of killing Article Talk XA In the English language, terms for types of killing often end in the suffix -cide. V Killing of self V Killing of other people Killing of animals, disease, and pests Killing of intangibles or 44 2.1K 39K del 710K

Liv @fixyourheartsor 11hh Liv @fixyourheartsor every mad men episode ends like: *Don taking the kids to mcdonald's* Bobby #5: I want a happy meal Sally: I want a McChicken *The beautiful young cashier looks at Don* Cashier: What do you want? *close up on Don, lost in conflict, Sinnerman by Nina Simone plays into credits* 17:34 • 27 Mar 22 meg @BETTYDR4PER-22h it's so funny when someone says something to don that's I want you seemingly innocuous b... to be yourself. 14 562 6,681 586K

hannah louise @hannahlouisef 19h ... this list is for a different kind of person 1. Not setting a morning alarm. During the pandemic, I found I didn't need to set one. Now, I very rarely do. It means I don't start the day with the hideous stress of the alarm going off - I wake up naturally, when I've had enough sleep. Dr Neil Stanley, sleep expert The Guardian @guardian 1d 100 tiny changes to transform your life: from the one-minute rule to pyjama yoga theguardian.com/ lifeandstyle/2... 135 3,514 65K 3.2M

alzandah @alzandahh.23h The biggest heartbreak in my life was 6 year old me watching The Muppet Movie and it was the scene where Kermit was riding the bike and my grandma was like, Wow, they made him really look like he's riding the bike. and I looked at her and asked, What do you mean? GIF ALT 14 614 16K 292K

sockdem @sock_dem 13h No, it's because the average business book is 70 pages long and titled Whying Your How: A Winner's Guide to Success chase @_chase 1d the average CEO reads 52 books a year yeah bc they don't have a JOB 55 2,401 33K del 1M
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