38 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of December 18, 2023

By:
38 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of December 18, 2023

It’s been a week. The release of Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom sees the DC Universe as we allegedly know it coming to an end and hoping for a beautiful rebirth in the James Gunn era. The age-old question around the McCallister family finances is finally answered with the help of economists who found that the negligent family sits comfortably in the One Percent. And then there’s the Masked Singer contestant who called for the public execution of President Biden

No, that wasn’t an insane Mad Libs sentence, you read that correctly. In a now-deleted tweet, Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider said that Biden is “guilty of treason and should be publicly hung.” The Masked Singer runner-up later walked that statement back, explaining that he “neither said nor implied any such thing” and that anyone saying otherwise should re-read the tweet and “pay attention to the words before believing this nonsense.” Perhaps the oxygen levels were a little low from inside that donut costume he wore for the duration of the show’s 10th season. 

All the while, the timeline has given us the holiday present of its presence with these hilarious tweets. This week’s funniest include those about one man’s very rational fear, devastating airline math and the masculine inability to read the room.

coffee @eventualforever 2h bug 4/27/23 computr @love pussy from a girl that needs adderall to clean her room 6 111 442 37K Johnkahn Follow @johnkkahn Had that relationship. We barely fucked and her room was full of cereal. I loved her 1 12 338 7.3K

soli ravioli @SoliSolstice 1d ... (construction guy in ancient mesopotamia) what's the job today boss. let me guess. another fucking ziggurat 22 994 12K 324K

kennya ( @kvnnrxa 14h i feel like gypsy rose is gonna love buzzballs 8 510 2.7K del 103K

ehhhhhhh @w0rldmap 2h Women will scroll past this still say they don't know what to get their bf for Christmas r/flashlight Join 462 online Beamshot 2/3 6 91 2.1K 49K

alan b. @inceptstellar . 17h every actor was dying to be in that film and little miss pretty face here got asked flatteringly to come in for an audition like Imao alan b. @inceptstellar . 17h it's so funny to me cillian auditioned for batman only because chris asked him (they both knew he wasn't gonna be batman - chris just wanted to have him on film) then chris basically begged the execs to cast him as scarecrow 5 246 4.3K 174K

thot choc @shreyabasu003.4d Girl ... Overview Videos Types Types of girls From sources across the web Drama queen Adventurous girl Fashionista The Nerd 13 more 18 99 1.1K 322K

Samantha Ruddy @samlymatters 1d Wild that Netflix only offered 70 million for this when I, a private citizen, would pay double that to watch Will Forte interact with Looney Tunes for an hour and a half. Brandon Ream @Reamkore 1d Coyote V Acme is the movie I didn't know I wanted or needed and now its production is the only thing that matters to me. 107 2.7K 110K

duckie @duckiesmallz. 5d imagine you show up to the parallel legs contest and this is your competition 78 5.1K 104K 2.3M

President-Elect Toguro @PresidentToguro - 1 1d when I drink coffee and have a cigarette r/NorthCarolina N*C u/Ziska220 4h imgur S 7 Awards FART girl meets SHART girl!! BABY UP IN THIS BITCH First in Flight FEB SHART NORTH CAROLIN Friends Smokies Act FART SM NORTH CAR 13 192 3.9K 130K

Carolyn Zacharias @heycarolynz.1 1d ... Me to the wedding bartender as I come up for my 11th vodka soda 14 Big dog. 39 3K 36K 1.9M

@d3dnymph 19h is it just me or does she kinda look like the lizard from that one movie 18 79 2.6K 49K

Jake Gotta @jake_gotta 4h This is why we need immigration paula @paularambles. 6h okay but can we talk about the ethiopian & texas bbq fusion you can get in arlington, tx 18 342 5.1K 220K

syd @imsofuknnervous 2d The nightstand of an incredible woman. Shes unemployed, but that doesn't matter. Females DEEP WATER ......... fros Andrea Long Chu LongChu THE VIRGIN SUSOIDES ROSEMARYS BABY LAPVONA NERRY SKELETON OTTESSA M ongegi nosnomb N Clear Water Black PUTNAM dreamstime Walking thr in Pool Pal Collected Stories Cookie Mueller Introduction S BHO Coca-Co Figh J DURDES AUT a CRUI KIDM KUBI EYES i DANIE The Inferno 38 1.2K 17K 326K

Skay @skqy__ 1d nah man NEBE look at the stance I just know bro cooked Gary Oliver @garyoliver118 - 3 3d This me on a bowling date one the PORTS YORK I VISE EMI TOTIV- GRANDIELSNO GRANDIGASINO ........... ESTEL DUPON GRANDIGASINO ... ....... Chamber MAI 10 538 8.1K 238K

Sweet Baby Clay @g00dguyclay. 1d mom isn't home, you know what that means...dog on da counter a elica WUSTHOF 1.8K 3.8M 52 37K

big pookie @heybri_ . 4d ... Insurance company like: YOU HIT WHO???? philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_ . 4d The man who crashed into the presidential motorcade last night was under the influence of alcohol, authorities said 451 22K 189K 11M

pavlo @LaughterHaver • 2h My Beautiful Smile @FriendOfSmeagol a donut and beer is a WILD snack ...Homer is out of pocket 6:47 PM 9/4/23 from Earth 3,175 Views 7 Reposts 122 Likes 1 Bookmark Herman Frankfurt @munk4g - 16h Maybe that is why he is so mean to Barf 2 46 7 105K 430 5.5K

Fredo @FredoInDaCut995.4 4d I want four kids so I can say my four lokos lets roll 51 5,276 42.4K del 2M

rosie @roramdin 4d Might need to lay off the edibles no country for old men free - Googl... G google.com/searchq=no+country+for+old+men... college - Google Search G google.com/search?q=college&ie=UTF-8&=U... 9/11 footage - Google Search G google.com/search?q=9%2F11+footage&ie=UTF... fourth dimension - Google Search G google.com/search?q=fourth+dimension&ie=UT... heart explosion happening in me-... G google.com/search?q=heart+explosion+happeni... 4th dimension tesseract - Google S... G google.com/search?q=4th+dimension+tesseract... . 1M 48 2,293 29K

boo joey @joeyonline_ 3d ... Imagine sitting at Applebees thinking one more won't hurt then T-Boning the president NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 3d Driver who struck Biden's Delaware motorcade charged with DUI trib.al/ Hk6T7ay ISSS OLICE 120 7,367 124K 7.1M

gom jabbar bjar binks @inkyba... 2d ... I've been thinking about this post since dec 14th and it keeps making me sob with laughter 300 comments My girlfriend said I drink all her water during the night (I'm by the nightstand). Used a sleep recorder app and at like 3am it recorded me absolutely slurping that shit down and pausing to say oh that's good stuff before going back at it. Funniest thing I've recorded myself doing in my sleep ThatWhiteboy1 13h 193 6 84 11.7K 133K 2.8M

Diva RESET @_matthewlawson.2d ... Me pretending that i dont care about the stew so the broth & ingredients simmer for atleast 2.5 hours 3 1,715 19.7K 453K

buttball @imniceandsmart.2 2d Imagine this: medium rare steak.... Big fuck ass baked potato.... What more could you ask for 61 1,635 12.5K 618K

@m... ..22 gardenprincessegg girl ... 15:37 Tweet Tim @godcoded My favorite girl in the world, kissing me and looking into my eyes: what are you smiling about? Um what do you think? Idiot 15:29 10/12/21 Twitter for Android 1 Retweet 15 Likes 12 206 3,786 133K

Jesse @MuskTillDawn 1d I was walking past a coworkers office and he yelled hey paisan want some meatballs?? and I truly thought he was fucking with me but he has a meatball station set up in his office? lēvoit 206 2,695 43.6K 1.3M

eve @impossiblyeve 2d ... u can just be chillin and ur guy friend will say some shit like ive always loved you 386 11.1K 94.7K del 7.1M

rae-aila @mtfyoungboy 1d ... Aujourd'hui 5:07 PM guys do u wanna secret santa Aujourd'hui 6:25 PM sammy S its 3 of us girl stud enthusiast @angrybla... .2d at the end of the day it's the people in that 3 person group chat 100 4,145 58.5K 3.3M

Healthy chronicles Vol. 4 22h It cost $0 to be kind as if hating isn't free 10 1,032 3,627 del 161K

CHICAGO TONY SNARK 777 @Yamscasino.14h ... One of my biggest fears is if I'm out having drinks with a woman and I can't get the bartender's attention. 279 3,432 31.9K du 1.5M

tatum @planetgraves 19h ... Dude I would be down to do anything on gods green earth with you 9 2,847 17.7K 817K

ev @zoranealehurtin 3d JLo is trying to steal her voice out her chest Bennifer Updates @Bennif... 3d Jennifer Lopez with Jenifer Lewis at her annual Christmas party. CC 479 7,807 73.7K 3.2M

ryan @OhItsRyan - 3d ... Me when they finally call group 6 on my United Airlines basic economy flight so I can be the absolute last person to board my middle seat in row 39 that doesn't recline all because I wanted to save $40 but still spent $60 on chips and two margaritas at the airport chilis. CC wheney you are re exectly to be 29 1,121 20.5K 1M

Thomas Delano Cat @Tom_... 3d ... $10 $20 $0 EY MAN U GOT I I ELFBAR Marlboro A CIGRET? 69 3,701 50.6K 1.1M

this is from mathilda @gor... ...21h ... what was her fucking problem Self-Portrait (Yoko Ono film) XA Self-Portrait is a 1969 film made by the artist Yoko Ono. The film consists of a single 42 minute shot of the semi erect penis of her husband, John Lennon.  Self-Portrait Directed by Yoko Ono Starring John Lennon Release date 1969 Running time 42 minutes Country United Kingdom 656 6,899 124K 6.6M

fragrance and foolishness @B... 21h ... Thinking about how we found a toy that my niece stole out of a store and she wouldn't confess to stealing it so my sister said the cops would come to arrest me if they think I did it and she told me well you better hide 78 2,041 32.1K 894K

Microplastics Explorer @Diab... . 21h ... No group of humans in history have had less spatial awareness than Boomers piloting carts around Costco like the container ship trapped in the Suez canal 60 1,454 19.5K 700K

eliza @elizamclamb.22h ... Boyfriend got bored at coffee bc he forgot to bring a book so I've just been telling him women to Google - DO Apr - 2005 ema 1944 Sep 26 - Product - - Whised Wood - - - - - - - - Andrea Rita تحت Appress verica MAX DAN I Andrea Dworkin ma - Perspectives sadeua IV dworkin andrea A Google we LTE 11:42 52 1,244 39.6K 1.1M

Dorie @doriecp 12h ... I've been begging my 9 year old to write out his Christmas wish list. Не refuses. Не finally admitted that he's conducting an experiment to find out if Santa is real. Не whispered his wish list aloud in an empty room becuase Santa, and no one else, could hear it. Send help. 2,859 7,800 166K 6.6M
Scroll down for the next article

MUST READ

Forgot Password?