26 of the Funniest Tweets from December 1, 2023

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26 of the Funniest Tweets from December 1, 2023

Diva down! In a historic 311-114 vote, Representative George Santos has been expelled from the House of Representatives for his crimes of slaying too close to the sun. Of course, the actual crimes as investigated by the House Ethics Committee included allegations of misappropriation of campaign funds for personal use by soliciting dick ratings on OnlyFans and a Vegas honeymoon fit for a queen, amongst many other extravagant purchases. In one final stunt, the disgraced freshman representative grabbed his coat and stormed off the floor prior to the vote’s conclusion. If Santos can manage to avoid jail time, his court-mandated community service will likely be an appearance in the Dancing with the Stars ballroom. 

Where one butt of the joke falters, another rises. Over at Amazon, Jury Duty breakout star Ronald Gladden signed a two-year deal with Amazon MGM Studios to produce, develop and star in productions across their portfolio of platforms. It’s unclear what type of content Gladden will create under the deal, as he was a humble solar contractor with no entertainment background prior to unwittingly appearing on the Freevee show. Perhaps he’ll find a way to get back at James Marsden, who nabbed an Emmy nomination for playing a fictionalized version of himself on the show. 

The timeline is ringing in the end of the work week with a new batch of hilarious tweets to keep us laughing until closing time. Today’s include those about maternal poetry, the modern power of Google and sugar-baby Reaganomics. 

les @deathritual 22h ... btw your body is worth $20 to him Paris Shenae-Real Life... 1d Relationships deserve this type of energy D F6 VIA two FOR ALJ THIS an le the Every time we fuck I Owe $ 20. So your Christmas you gift depends on you LOL Tizzy 821 11.8K 216K 10.6M

sister laura @lauraw97_.2 22h ... i told one of my office ladies that i'd been to the cinema by myself and she got up and hugged me and whispered you keep your chin up, lovely in my ear i was mortified shannon @shcwtunes. 1d the reaction I get when I tell non movie people that I go to the movie theater by myself,,,,,,,, 18 954 21.5K 1.1M

byron @lmp3rfect 18h THIS IS FRYINGNG ME Eskay @prettylifesk•1 1d Chile I was small af in middle school FLIPAGRAM 23 1,455 39.3K del 2M

kimberlee @kimberleeerose.20h ... it was a nice idea to put honey in a bear shaped container. Thank u to the dreamers and the inventors 8 2,528 26.6K 496K

zou bisou bisou where are you 13h ... my friend just told me that his favorite genre of music as a kid was spy but the only songs he could ever find in it were the pink panther theme song, the mission impossible theme song, and smooth criminal 111 851 18.3K del 607K

Grovy @grovymango.1 16h Everytime I gotta walk across grass as a shortcut I'm like yeah this is what Pythagoras theorem is all abt 36 6,597 44.5K del 1M

the information pimp @BirdR... 21h ... RADIOHEAD the bend 131 3,003 30.1K 1.2M

Justin Whang @Justin... 21h ... icarianarts Follow ... Fan art I drew of dobby dying in a glue trap 92 3,624 64.9K del 2.4M

clayton @claytongracer . 1 19h - - - I want a sugar daddy so I can sugar someone else too. trickle down sugaring 31 17 117 2.7K

myles brown @mdotbrown 20h ... Did you know....Frasier is just white Martin? They both have radio shows, give terrible advice and spend half the show at home. 4 38 154 31K

Eric Hu @_EricHu . 20h ... typography is beautiful Did you know minus 4 degrees looks like a dude pooping? -4° 46 2K 13K 407K

chase @_chase 15h ... i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919 27 2.8K 26K 604K

Romlib @RomanianLiberal 1d ... I am a single issue voter on the issue of building more spheres **** 45 499 8.7K 256K

@lemonymaya 16h maya °° و why does this text from my mom read like poetry I cooked a steak tonight and was feeling alien. How weird this gross piece of cold raw flesh on a cold plate is and I was thinking I am just an animal with the luxury of packaged flesh and is it human flesh? Like I wouldn't know. We just believe it's a COW but we don't have fucking proof of anything. The knife went through the same as if it was my own leg. 150 6K 65K 1.4M

7/11 Truther @DaveMoNamee3000-2th This is what the average 12 year old looked like during the Industrial Revolution 8 848 15K 334K

Rolo Tony @PoorOLdRoloTony 22h ... An Irishman and an Aussie woman discuss the far reaching destruction caused by colonialism. Letterboxd @letterboxd.23h they really did it ALT 4 199 4.3K 142K

chet @bob_lazars_dad11h ... nvm found it Costeña CAPTIUS IP REDUCED $2.25 - toou Coca Cola ONES Whipp mu WideOpen Coolselect Fentry chet @bob_lazars_dad-21h anyone see an AK-47 with a bayonet on it laying around 23 1.5K 21K 1M

Music Box Theatre @musicbo... 18h ... MUSIC BOX We're doing our part THEATRE BOX MEN PLEASURE SHREK Matt Zoller Seitz @mattzoll... 1d Theaters losing interest in marquees was a signal of impending retreat from prominence. You should not be able to go near a theater without re... 13 182 2,626 156K

les @deathritual 22h ... btw your body is worth $20 to him Paris Shenae-Real Life... 1d Relationships deserve this type of energy D F6 VIA two FOR ALJ THIS an le the Every time we fuck I Owe $ 20. So your Christmas you gift depends on you LOL Tizzy 821 11.8K 216K 10.6M

Blake @blakes_online 14h Brother I'm fucking 30 Fucking Doug now F Yo if I come down to пус would you go halves on a hotel for Santa con 42 375 14.2K 1.4M

Keara Sullivan @superkeara 14h If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my attachment style was and I didn't know what that meant so I said PDF if it's over email I hate when people send it as a word doc 13 899 15.1K 399K

@koi_takleefff- 23h ... Waiter: how's everything? Us with our mouths full: D2 exp THE ULTIM Disney FAN E' 187 12.7K 105K 4.1M

will @babyboybill 18h ... This guy kept stealing packages from my friend's building so they put up his photo in the lobby. Then he came back the next day disguised as a witch and tore the photo down Д 4 282 5,396 241K

Jay Baylis making Cassett... 23h ... We adopted a cat recently and I can't get over his angry little face. Не looks furious. Не looks like a beanie baby possessed by the spirit of a 1920's oil tycoon. Seoul - form 44 900 6,188 169K

ao PER carl marks @whoreby_parker-20h ... and whose fault is that? swag 900 @ecco401k.21h Replying to @whoreby_parker Bagels barely exist in Germany 13 466 11.1K 751K

BIG HOS. @hosidity 14h What you fuckin the manager? SHE SHE ME Omg ... @p....16h DE LEM JU BRO onounce Chipotis CHIPOTLE ) WE LISTED THEM НЫ OR MEXICAN GRILL PAS L PER CONTACTURES PICK UP & DELIVERY 513 7,968 80.7K 4M
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