13 Criminal Masterminds Who Accidentally Confessed
If you’re a criminal, generally, what you wanna do is keep that under your hat. Like, you might want to tell other criminals — that way they can get you to join them in other criminal activity, invite you to criminal get-togethers and so on — but beyond that, it’s not something you want to go broadcasting to everyone. That way trouble lies.
And yet, if you do something that’s super illegal, messed-up, criminal, immoral or whatever, it can presumably have all sorts of effects in you. You might be proud, ashamed, confused, nervous or a mixture of all four and more besides. Notoriety is fairly appealing, which places any criminal that’s too good at getting away with things in a bit of a tricky place — that kind of nudge-nudge, wink-wink where everyone knows how badass you are but can’t put you in prison for it seems to be the sweet spot criminals want to be in.
However, inevitably, people miss that sweet spot and say stupid shit like, “I did it, it was me!”
Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.
Durst the Worst
One of the most infamous accidental confessions ever, disgraced real estate heir Robert Durst took a toilet break filming the documentary The Jinx and muttered to himself, “What the hell did I do? Killed them all, of course.” Robert! Ssshhhh!
A Stroke of Bad Luck
In 2009, James Brewer, dying from a stroke, wanted to have his cake and eat it, too: By confessing to a 1977 murder he’d die a free man with a clear conscience. However, he survived, and was arrested upon leaving hospital.
Eat Those Words
Cannibalistic serial killer Ladislav Hojer accidentally confessed in a one-step-removed way — he told a friend the details of his crimes, and that friend got confused and confessed to them himself, ultimately leading the police to Hojer, who fucking sucked.
DeadJournal, More Like It
When Nancy Crampton Brophy’s husband was murdered, prosecutors pointed to a blog post she had written with the title “How to Murder Your Husband,” a pre-confession that lined up strikingly with how she, yes, murdered her husband.
What Were You Inking?
In 2008, California gang member Robert Garcia was photographed shirtless. A police officer later saw the picture showcasing Garcia’s tattoo and connected it with an unsolved murder — there were key details and in-jokes that seemed, you know, suspicious.
What a Butthead
A gamer who couldn’t keep his ass still accidentally told police he was a killer. The teen, known only as “Elijah,” butt-dialed 911 while playing Rainbow Six and shouting about killing people. He was arrested for being a fucking idiot.
Not Having a G’day
While it remains an open case, the murder of Paddy Moriarty (seen in Netflix documentary Last Stop Larrimah) seems fairly clear, with one suspect drunkenly singing about “killing fucking Paddy up the bum.” Not a great look. Or song, actually.
Note to Self: Am a Murderer
A Kansas City octogenarian who had been recording the audio of a court case forgot to turn his recorder off, so he captured himself muttering about shooting a lawyer dead months before. Old people and technology, right?
Even Gangsters Get Nervous
In 2015, a defendant accused of killing two sheriff’s deputies was so crippled with anxiety that he blurted out “I killed them cops.” Luis Bracamontes — who later featured in a controversial anti-immigration Trump ad — is now on death row.
I Did It! Ah, Shit, No, Scratch That!
In 1978, John Lanahan of Albany prompted an ongoing legal debate after frantically confessing to a gas station robbery, but then attempting to un-confess. It went to the Court of Appeals, and his confession was thrown out, although he subsequently pleaded guilty.
There Are Some Things You Can’t Un-say
An Illinois man who murdered a 17-year-old greeted police by panicking and telling them, “There’s a girl inside, and I strangled her.” Arthur Jensen, who planned and committed the murder, unsuccessfully tried to have his confession stricken from the record.
Knives at Stake
The 1995 murder of Pennsylvania chef Jim Webb became easier to solve when his business partner accidentally revealed he knew too much. Webb was killed in a restaurant — famously filled with knives — but Guy Sileo asked, “Who would shoot Jim?”
A Nazi Piece of Jerk
Neo-Nazis aren’t bright. After murdering one of their own, an Aryan Brotherhood gang member opened a call to 911 — intended to cover up the killing — with the fairly damning line, “We are going to tell them he got robbed, okay?”
