John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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26 of the Funniest Experiences People Had While Stoned

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26 of the Funniest Experiences People Had While Stoned

Conservative talking points are no match for the simple fact that the devil’s lettuce just makes you feel silly, goofy and, of course, hungry as hell. Sometimes even hungry enough to eat a fortune cookie whole — paper fortune and all. Or so high that it takes you 30 minutes to find your way out of a parking garage. 

Reddit’s finest stoners have puffed and passed around some of the funniest Half Baked-type scenarios that have taken place after they blazed it. A word to the wise: if you’re somewhere lost in the clouds and really craving a 10-piece and Big Mac, do yourself a favor and make sure that you’re not accidentally in the Wendy’s drive-thru. But hey, if you’re that high, a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and loaded baked potato will hit just as hard. 

mymotherwasthemoon . 9y Worst/best idea ever was to get baked before a funeral mass for someone I didn't know (I'm an atheist but grew up Catholic), I was there for moral support and the person I was going with wanted to calm down. So we got super baked, went in and tried to sit in the very back, since they were family we were ushered to the front. No big deal, I'll just sit here and stare at my hands in my lap. Mass starts, it's 100% in Latin for the first 10+ minutes, I felt like I was in

Jacobocob 9y A couple of my friends were smoking and having a good time, then we got the eventual munchies and decided to order some pizza. 20 minutes later, the pizza guy calls my phone and asks me to come outside. I came outside and he hands me the pizza and says, That'll be 15 dollars. I nodded back to him and said Yup and stared at him with my red eyes for a solid 30 seconds until he repeated 15 dollars is your total. Realizing that I was supposed to pay him, I got the high smile and started

2h2p . 4y I was putting on eye drops. Left eye, no problem. Right eye, kept missing. Realized after the 5th try that I was still holding my left eye open and closing my right eye. I wasn't alone. My friend had watched the whole time but was too high to notice my mistake. My tolerance is high now, I miss being stupid high. ... 123

lickmysphincter. 9y My friend and I went to the mall and met a dude that dressed and acted like someone from the fifties just because he can. Then we went to the movies and went to the bathroom to find two Russians having an intense argument over pissing. I felt like all of it was set up. ... 19

SuggmaDigg 4y I was pretty damn high, some quad a dispensary shit. And as I'm watching my friends play black ops 2, I decide I want a pizza. So I get up and head into the kitchen to craft this frozen delicacy. I turn on the oven to preheat and whatnot, and I ended up putting the pizza on the counter beside the plate that I planned to serve it on. And without thinking I grab the plate instead of the pizza and put it in the oven. Not realizing what I've done, I go sit back down on the

literally_hitner . 9y Me and my friend were high as fuck, so we wanted some McDonald's, we're driving there talking about what we're gonna get, I drive up to the drive through box, look at the menu, look over to my friend, Dude, we're at fucking Wendy's! ... 88

mbmike12 . 9y One time I was so high I accidentally ate my fortune cookie whole, knowingly chewing and swallowing the paper fortune. ... 4

sam9529 . 4y Was trying to buy weed in Rome to get rid of the last few euros I had and miraculously found someone through pure luck. When I asked him what strain it was, he responded in very broken English: its..uh....its...its dat fooking gas bro!. Still, laugh about it to this day. Не wasn't wrong tho... ... 33

bongripper_420 . 4y i was so hungry i dreamed i ate chicken nuggets then next day i wake up and see chew marks on a AAA battery lol 22

deutsch_bomb 4y Not me but a buddy of mine got cross faded and passed out at a party. Night goes on we start making pizzas. Then my buddy wakes up, stumbles to the oven rips a chunk of pizza like a cave man and takes it to bed with him. I die everytime I remember it lol ... 2

mappygrim . 1 10y I tried to order a coolatta at dunkin donuts and got into a heated convo with the cashier about where the fuck blue raspberry came from ... 4

Whoseyourmother 9y My roommate and I were driving down a 8 story parking garage and we were both screaming at how fast I was driving. Literally yelling at each turn and I was bracing the wheel and freaking out that I couldn't get the car to slow down. It was terrifying until I looked at the speedometer and saw we were going 3mph. We laughed so hard. It took us 30 mins to get out of that garage Edit: PSA-this was 7 years ago and I would never condone driving under the influence of anything now. I was a really

Cams77 9y One time my best friend and I got really high and wanted some McDonald's ... This other friend let us borrow his fairly new Prius to get there but we both own stone age cars so it was basically like getting into a motherfuckin' spaceship. We somehow turned on the windshield wipers, and could not figure out for the life of us how to turn them off!! We were freaking out cus it was over 90 degrees outside and no chance for rain. Oh man, those mickey d's workers knew. They just knew. ... 45

gamermommie . . 4y One of the very first time I got actually high I was joking around with my husband and said I hope I don't get so high I forget how to pee. Went to the bathroom and I swear it took me ages to remember how to pee. ... 4

kamon241 . 9y One of the first times I ever got high on my own I smoked a fatty, then decided to 'get in touch with nature' so I walked to a nearby field and smoked a few more to some smooth tunes. Started accidentally holding my breath, then forgetting how to breathe and almost passed out. Also it turned out I was just at the bottom of my garden. ... 14

truebabyblue.. 4y I got my best friend an edible for the first time and 30 minutes in we all decide to order some chicken to the school. She goes, Yo. When it gets here can i trade you a wing for a piece of chicken? We. All. Ordered. Wings. ... 4

tubafx 9y The first time I did a gas mask, I sat on my friend's bed opening and closing my mouth because I thought I was Pac-Man. Later that night, he found me sitting in the pantry shoveling handfuls of roasted peanuts from a jar into my mouth. And even later that night, we went out front to have a cigarette - it had snowed and his stairs were super icy. Not half a second after he said Be careful, the stairs are icy, I slip, fall all the way down the stairs and nail this girl Jess who was walking down

lisabeth54 . 10y Went to a restaurant with a bunch of also-stoned friends. Everyone ordered a water with lemon, and I proceeded to take and eat all the lemons. Waitress comes by and sees my pile of lemon peels, and asks if I would like some extra lemon. I reply with, I like lemons in a terribly creepy voice. Waitress just looks at me like I'm crazy, walks away, and never comes back to the table. A different girl brings us our food and checks, and I never got those extra lemons... ... 26

JamesW_5 . 4y Me and my friend were having a last smoke before tidying our uni house and moving home for the summer.. Started hoovering, was wondering why it wasn't picking up any of the crap on the floor. Disconnected all the pieces to check for blockage etc, couldn't find anything. This goes on for about 5 minutes, and I turn around to find my friend laughing like mad at me. The Hoover wasn't on. ... 34

 в 4y Smoked some laced weed in Switzerland Had a weird sensation that my forearms were cold Cut holes in some socks and wore them on my arms Tried to fly home at Basel airport with them still on, security pulled me to one side and asked me a buncha questions, explained that I'm a fashion student (I'm . not) Slept 8 hours on a plane ... 153

 9y One time when I was high, I had to take a train home after visiting my then-boyfriend for a week. We both got stoned beforehand, and he made a point to get me really really high so the train ride wouldn't be so brutal and mundane. I ended up being so stoned that I just stared at the train when it stopped at the station, almost missing it until he shoved me through the gate and yelled GET ON THE TRAIN repeatedly. I staggered onto the train and plopped myself down on the nearest seat, too stoned to

iFornication 9y We used to go down to an abandoned train station to smoke in my home town. It was so isolated and huge, which is why it made for the perfect place to go and smoke with friends, skateboard and just generally hang out. So my friend and I were sitting on the edge of the platform smoking a joint and chatting away at about 1am. It was so silent and peaceful. No wind blowing, no noise at all. It was a serene moment. While we're blazing, we see a white owl come and land on the platform. My

Ginchesnjacked . . 4y I was watching an anime about a girl with social anxiety and I was really, really high and I would cry a lot whenever she took a step towards making new friends. ... 57

WhereWhalesDare . 9y I went to a restaurant and ordered some chicken tenders. The waitress mixed up my order with another customer's, and accidentally brought me a pulled pork sandwich and waffle fries. When she brought my tenders to the other guy, he let her know she had messed up, so she came back to my table to switch the plates. There were probably 3 bites left of that pulled pork sandwich by the time she got there. ... 7

boobalicious 13y Some friends and I went to Panera Bread in High School, and we were all pretty high. One of my friends, Richard, was just out of his mind baked. When we get to Panera, we see a teacher from our school there, and Richard just happens to know this teacher quite well. So he walks up to her after coming from the counter holding a large sandwich, a bowl of soup, a huge salad and a bag of chips all on his tray, and begins to talk to her. From where I was sitting, all I could see

hismikeness 9y Little brother and I got blazed at his apartment. We were playing vids, kicking it, having a good time. No big deal. Our interest in the vids wanes, so we spark again. Не had just moved in, so he didn't have the place fully furnished. We were sitting on fold out camping chairs in the living room. Quietly pondering. At almost the same time, we both started to talk. You go first, no you go first. Finally, I say, that carpet over there... that spot right at the bottom of the stairs, it looks like... And he says,
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John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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