25 of Johnny Carson’s Most-Outdated Monologue Jokes from the Oscars
For the first time since they introduced the In Memoriam segment, the Academy Awards is giving us a reason to tune in: the 2025 Oscars host is Conan O’Brien.
Yes, we have high hopes for the former late-night comedian who brings at least a small chance of talking about butthole gerbils before an audience of self-congratulating millionaires. Certainly, O’Brien doesn’t need our advice for mastering his first-ever time hosting the Academy Awards, but if he did want to take inspiration from anyone, he should look to the King of Late Night himself: Johnny Carson.
Carson hosted the Academy Awards five times — and nearly back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back — in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. Many of his jokes have remained fairly relevant, too. Exhibit A: When he greeted his celebrity audience in 1979 with, “I see a lot of new faces — especially on the old faces.”
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However, given the standard topicality of the Academy Awards, the majority of Carson’s monologue jokes are in need of some historical context, which is why we crafted this handy guide to his most-outdated zingers. So if a punchline referring to the 1978 embezzlement scandal at Columbia Pictures doesn’t have you in stitches already, don’t worry — we’ll catch you up.
“Before we begin tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures. I am against polluting the oceans of the world. I am for every nationality having its own homeland. I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.”
This is sort of the 1979 equivalent of what Ricky Gervais said at the 2020 Golden Globes: “If you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God and fuck off.” While Carson was a good deal more polite about it, his opening line at his first Oscars ceremony was aimed at celebrities who use the awards to promote various political causes. For example, Marlon Brando famously declined his 1973 Oscar win for The Godfather by instead inviting Native American activist Sacheen Littlefeather to speak against the industry’s depiction of Indigenous peoples.
“I think the Academy can be very proud tonight that this program is being beamed via satellite right at this moment to 54 countries throughout the world and 350 million people. This program is also being broadcast to South America. That way, the former executives and accountants at the studios will be able to catch part of the show.”
This is a reference to a scandal at Columbia Pictures, where it was discovered that studio head David Begelman fraudulently stole $75,000 from his employers. The joke implies that he fled to South America, which he didn’t (he became COO of MGM in 1980). Meanwhile, the actor who caught Begelman’s embezzlement scheme, Cliff Robertson, was blacklisted from Hollywood and struggled to find work in the industry for several years.
“(This broadcast is) also being seen in the oil-producing, or the OPEC nations this year. But, this year, ABC has added on a nine percent increase for the television rights in those countries. We figured fair was fair.”
A few months before the 1979 Oscars, worldwide oil prices shot up due in large part to the Iranian revolution.
“I wonder if Jerry Brown and Linda Ronstadt are watching from the Kenya Holiday Inn.”
At the time, California Governor Jerry Brown and singer Linda Ronstadt were on a humanitarian mission together in Kenya on behalf of the U.N. They were also the subject of gossip columns suggesting they were dating (they were).
“‘Heaven Can Wait’ was an unusual picture for two reasons. First of all, it was a real fantasy about Warren Beatty not being able to find a body he could use.”
In the 1978 film Heaven Can Wait, a man is accidentally taken up to heaven before his time, but because his body has already been cremated, he needs a new body in order to return to the land of the living. The joke is on Beatty, who was a well-known ladies man in Hollywood.
“‘Heaven Can Wait’Christina Crawford is the daughter of Hollywood legend Joan Crawford. In 1978, she published an exposé detailing the abuse she suffered at the hands of her late mother.
“I just heard this afternoon that one of the nominated songs this year, ‘Ready to Take a Chance Again,’ has just been selected as the theme song by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.”
Less than two weeks before the 1979 Oscars ceremony, the Three Mile Island Nuclear Generating Station in Pennsylvania experienced a partial nuclear meltdown. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is the regulatory body supervising nuclear power plants.
“Mr. Chu, come out here please.”
During Carson’s 1979 monologue, he asked an Asian man to tell a joke on stage in Chinese and then leave. Carson returned to the mic and said, “I realize that means absolutely nothing to you, but right now, Vice Premier Deng Xiaoping in China is hysterical. I thought I should do one person-to-person joke for the new diplomatic recognition.”
Deng Xiaoping became Chairman of the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference in 1978 and was named Time’s Person of the Year the same year for his efforts to modernize China. (Don’t get too excited about the guy; he also ordered the crackdown on the Tiananmen Square protesters a decade later.)
“Those of you here tonight who’ve toiled in Hollywood for a number of years realize that an actor’s life today is probably a little better. In the old days, the major studios were in charge. They had all the stars under contract, told you what picture to make, what studio to make it for and how much you’d be paid. In those days, the big studios were all powerful. As a matter of fact, Jack Buetel and Jane Russell still owe RKO five pictures.”
Both Jack Buetel and Jane Russell were older movie stars in 1979, and RKO Pictures had been out of business since 1959.
“Universal has just announced its newest disaster film coming out called ‘Airport 1980,’ and I want to tell you, this is a harrowing epic in which passengers aboard a 747 are held hostage for two weeks while a mad man keeps rerunning the in-flight movie moment by moment.”
Carson’s joke is essentially that in-flight movies aren’t great, but the fake Airport 1980 film is a reference to the disaster movie series Airport (which was, in part, what the movie Airplane spoofs).
“Do you realize, while we’re all here having a good time, Woody Allen is sitting home watching his sneakers go through the spin cycle?”
Woody Allen rarely attended the Oscars, despite his many nominations. Allen was also known for wearing sneakers back then, including at events that called for more formal attire. For example, in 1975, he escorted First Lady Betty Ford to the ballet in a pair of Converse high-tops.
“It’s been a big year for directors named Allen. Irwin Allen gave us a movie about bees, and Woody Allen gave us a movie about WASPs.”
In 1978, disaster movie director Irwin Allen released the film The Swarm, and Woody Allen directed Interiors, a movie that followed White Anglo-Saxon Protestants (WASPs), whereas many of his other films centered around Jewish characters.
“I do have a few announcements before we start the program. First of all, Farrah Fawcett often communicates with alien beings from another planet, Nick Nolte has admitted that he has fathered a child while snorkeling and Elvis is alive and working as a dental hygienist in Billings, Montana. I mention all this in case you didn’t get to the supermarket to read this week’s ‘National Enquirer,’ the Pinto of newspapers.”
Unfortunately, The National Enquirer is still going strong as a gossip rag today, so most of this joke ages moderately well. Although the Ford Pinto might need some context: The car was widely considered a terrible vehicle that ceased production in 1980.
“This program has a history in the past of running a tad too long, but this year, our producer Howard Koch assured me that this program tonight is going to be fast-paced and will end exactly on schedule, but I wouldn’t go by Howard. Last month, he bought a summer home on Washington’s Mount St. Helens, so his timing may be a little suspect.”
Mount St. Helens erupted on March 27, 1980, about two weeks before the 1980 Oscars.
“Right now, this program is being telecast to over 60 nations — including the Arab states of Syria, Lebanon and Beverly Hills.”
In 1978, Moroccan and Saudi sheik Mohammed al Fassi made Hollywood news when he purchased a legendary Beverly Hills mansion. The mansion hit the press cycles again in early 1980 for a suspicious fire. Also at this time, large numbers of Iranians were fleeing to the U.S. — and particularly Los Angeles — following the 1979 Iranian revolution.
“You imagine, this program is being watched right now in some secluded, isolated areas where people sometimes have lost all human contact. And, President Carter, I hope you enjoy the show too.”
Thanks to an energy crisis and rampant inflation, Carter’s prospects for reelection in the approaching 1980 presidential election were not looking good.
“As it must be, tonight, there will be winners and, unfortunately, losers. Everybody can’t win — that’s why God created the Hunt Brothers.”
In March 1980, billionaires Nelson Bunker Hunt, William Herbert Hunt and Lamar Hunt tried to corner the silver market, but instead caused the entire silver market to collapse. Afterwards, the brothers were left broke.
“‘1941,’ as you know, was co-produced between Universal and Columbia, the most successful collaboration since Germany teamed up with Japan.”
The 1979 film 1941 was a war comedy starring Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi, among others, and was a rare flop for director Steven Spielberg.
“It’s hard to believe that the Academy has been in existence for 54 years. I mean, just think, if Columbia had put only $2,000 a year into an IRA plan, they wouldn’t have had to sell out to Coca-Cola.”
After some financial struggles, Columbia Pictures was bought by Coca-Cola in 1982, which would continue to own them until 1987 when Columbia was purchased by Sony.
“The most inspired screen pairing of the year was between Henry Fonda and Katharine Hepburn. I mean, it moved everybody, except for Interior Secretary James Watt, who today approved offshore drilling on Golden Pond.”
With 10 Academy Award nominations and three wins, On Golden Pond, starring Fonda and Hepburn, was one of the most successful films of 1981. Watt, meanwhile, was a member of President Reagan’s cabinet who was known for opening up offshore drilling on virtually the entire American coastline.
“I’d like to thank the Motion Picture Academy for inviting me to be your master of ceremonies this year. You don’t realize what a thrill it is for me to appear someplace without being subpoenaed.”
In 1982, Carson was subpoenaed for drunk driving.
“It has been a fun-filled year. My personal life has been exactly like this year’s Academy Awards. It started off with Terms of Endearment, I thought I had The Right Stuff, it cost a lot to dress her. Then came The Big Chill; in the past month I’ve been begging for Tender Mercies.”
Terms of Endearment, The Right Stuff, The Big Chill and Tender Mercies were all nominees for Best Picture in 1984, as was The Dresser (which fit into Carson's joke far more clumsily as “dress her”). As for the tumult Carson was referring to, in addition to the drunk driving charges in late 1982, his father died in early 1983 and his third wife filed for divorce later that year.
“In the past, we’ve had a few problems with the show running long, but I predict tonight that this show will come in exactly on time. But don’t go by me, I spent most of yesterday scraping a John Glenn bumper sticker off my DeLorean.”
This was a year before Back to the Future, so the DeLorean reference has nothing to do with the time-travel movie. Carson is actually referring to the fact that the DeLorean Motor Company folded in 1983. Glenn was an astronaut and politician who ran for president in 1984 but dropped out of the race about three weeks before the Academy Awards.
“Some people say there are too many award shows. I really don’t know, but I believe the Lifetime Achievement Award for Ricky Schroder does seem a little pushy.”
Popular child actor Ricky Schroder was just 13 at the time.
“Sean Connery returned as James Bond. Now, I want you to understand, I love Sean, but his Bond is getting just a little old. In case he’s captured by the enemy, he now carries a cyanide suppository.”
After retiring from playing Bond (for the second time) in 1971, Connery portrayed Bond one last time in 1983’s Never Say Never Again. Connery was 53 at the time.
