10 Holiday Songs That Will Elicit a Panic Attack in Ex-Retail Workers
Some people are true lovers of Christmas music. They count the days until it's socially acceptable to turn their Spotify into a red-and-green decked, dedicated “Jingle Bells” broadcaster. Ones who feel a sort of reassurance and serenity when they hear holiday tunes for the first time in Target.
I am not, and never will be, one of those people, because I was once on the other side of that Target experience. Having experience across retail from clothing to groceries on my resume, holiday music has forever been ruined for me because I’ve been forced to listen to it for hours on end, like Clockwork Orange if it was his ears that were pried open.
To this day, here are 10 holiday songs I truly cannot hear without subconsciously starting to fold T-shirts…
‘Jingle Bell Rock’
Even listening to this just once, they’re pushing the limit of how many times they say the words “jingle bell.” Over the course of a full day? You could break a CIA agent with it.
‘Deck the Halls’
There might not be a combination of syllables that gets old faster than “fa-la-la la la, la-la la la.”
‘It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas’
Hearing Michael Bublé tell you 12 times a day for two months straight that it’s “beginning to look a lot like Christmas” is designed to cause a psychotic break and remove you from the concept of time.
‘Frosty the Snowman’
Ever talked to a really drunk person at a party who tells you the same story over and over? Now imagine he’s singing it, and you’re at work.
‘Here Comes Santa Claus’
This song is two-and-a-half minutes long, and it feels like three hours of the same two four-word phrases.
‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’
God help you if it’s one of the versions with a shouted “like a lightbulb" in there. You’ll be repurposing your box cutter to give you permanent silence.
‘Little Drummer Boy’
Listen to this while doing menial tasks that you’ll be screamed at for stopping, and that “pa-rum-pum-pum-pum” starts to take on a real death march feel.
‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’
Work one Black Friday shift and those opening guitar double-twangs will start to synchronize with your eye twitches.
‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’
Songs that start with an extended vocal run for someone known for stretching their pipes? That just starts to sound like a warning siren announcing that Mariah Carey is approaching, again.
Any Chipmunks
C’mon man. That’s just unabashed sadism. You’re soon going to be one of the only people who knows the second half of a Chipmunks song.
