The Funniest Lawyer Jokes Ever Told
From Diogenes of Sinope to Lionel Hutz, people have been ragging on lawyers for centuries.
The Oldest Lawyer Jokes in History
Lawyers have been around in some form or fashion since Ancient Greece, Rome and the Byzantine Empire. They were known as “orators” at the time, and in some cases, weren’t technically allowed to accept money in exchange for their legal counsel. How times have changed.
The first known lawyer joke came from fourth-century BC philosopher (and OG cynic) Diogenes of Sinope, who either made a great little quip, or arranged an elaborate setup for a so-so joke. He was seen heading out into the night carrying a lantern, and when asked where he was going, he replied that he was off to find an honest lawyer. A friend asked him the next day how it was going, and he said, “Not too bad, I still have my lantern.”
Don't Miss
Flash forward to the 13th century, and the Catholic Church had its first lawyer Saint. Yves de Kermartin was canonized in 1347, giving lawyers a classic in-joke to tell forever: Saint Ivo can never be kicked out of Heaven, because he’s the only lawyer up there.
Literary and Theatrical Dunks
It’s not just stand-up comedians cracking one-liners; some of the brightest literary minds in history have set their sights on this profession. It most likely predates him, but Mark Twain is credited with the quip, “Doesn’t it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?” Nineteenth-century journalist and satirist Ambrose Bierce defined “litigation” as “a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”
The theater nerds go even harder. 18th-century playwright John Gay had this banger of a verse in his play The Beggar's Opera (which, at the time, had the combined popularity of Game of Thrones, Beyonce and the game of baseball):
A Fox may steal your hens, sir
A Whore your health and pence, sir
Your daughter rob your chest, sir
Your wife may steal your rest, sir
A thief your goods and plate
But this is all but picking
With rest, pence, chest and chicken
It ever was decreed, sir
If Lawyer’s Hand is fee’d, sir
He steals your whole estate
But leave it to Shakespeare to go absolutely scorched Earth in iambic pentameter, with this slugger from Dick the Butcher in Henry VI, Part 2: “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
Lawyers v. the World
Some of the best jokes of the genre pit lawyers against other much maligned professions. An anecdotal meme from 1860’s America goes a little like this: “A doctor at a banquet was held up by a woman who wanted to ask him about a medical problem. When the doctor finally returned to his seat, he asked the lawyer next to him, ‘Do you think I should send her a bill?’ The lawyer responded, ‘Why not? You rendered professional services by giving advice.’ The next day, as the doctor prepared to send the woman an invoice, he received a letter from the lawyer: ‘For services rendered — $50.’”
In the 1990s, folks liked to compare these white-collar grifters to honest, hardworking and still quite lucrative blue-collar trade jobs. One popular joke from the time goes: “A lawyer called a plumber to fix some leaky pipes, which the plumber did quickly and efficiently. Upon seeing the bill, the lawyer said, ‘$250 for a few minutes’ work?! That’s crazy! I don’t charge that much, and I’m a lawyer!’ The plumber replied: ‘I know what you mean. I didn’t charge that much when I was a lawyer.’”
The most brutal jokes, though, pit lawyers against other lawyers, as in this one: “Two lawyers, Chris and Leslie, are on safari. They spot a lion 100 yards away, clearly preparing to charge. Chris starts lacing up his shoes, to which Leslie replies, ‘What are you doing? You can’t outrun a lion.’ Chris says calmly, ‘I don’t have to outrun a lion, I just have to outrun you.’”
Dewey, Cheatem & Howe
There’s an entire wing of lawyer jokes that’s strictly wordplay. Firms like “Sue, Grabbit & Runne” and “I. Fleecem” have been used by the likes of Catherine O’Hara and Soupy Sales. The Three Stooges loved gags like this, including “Dewey, Burnham & Howe,” a divorce law office called “Ditcher, Quick & Hyde” and, tangentially, the proctologist office “Proba, Keister & Wince.”
The all-time best execution comes from Tom and Ray Magliozzi, NPR’s famous Car Talk guys. Among their show’s recurring goofs was repeated references to their lawyers, Dewey, Cheetham & Howe. They even had a neon sign with the fictional firm’s name in the window of their office in Harvard Square. But it’s more than an inside joke — when their show expanded to national syndication, they needed to incorporate an actual company to manage their business, and they named it Dewey, Cheetham & Howe.
The Fictional GOATs
Despite being one of the most reviled occupations in the history of humankind, a lot of modern entertainment revolves around lovable lawyer protagonists, ranging from Calista Flockhart’s Ally McBeal to Andy Griffith’s Matlock. Here are two of the best law jokes straight from the horses’ mouths:
- Jack McCoy (Law & Order) on gay marriage in 2004: “Let ‘em marry. Why shouldn’t they be as miserable as the rest of us?”
- Saul Goodman (Better Call Saul) on his own profession: “What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you’re dead.”
And who could forget this masterclass in oration from The Simpsons’ Lionel Hutz?:
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn’t find one?
Marge: (crying) We... went... fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man who’s had ALL he could eat?
Jury: No, no.
Juror: No, that could’ve been me!
