14 Highly Uncomfortable Facts About McDonaldland

Crime in McDonaldland is off-the-charts
14 Highly Uncomfortable Facts About McDonaldland

McDonaldland is a fictional hamlet packed full of Apple Pie Trees, Thick Shake Volcanoes and a herd of incestual Grimaces.

Ronald McDonald’s Original Form: He Are What You Eat

Inspired by Bozo the Clown, Ronald’s 1963 debut revealed him as a rictus-grinned freak with a cup for a nose, a tray full of food grafted to his skull and a magic belt buckle that dispensed endless burgers.

The OG Ronald Was Fired for Being Too Fat

That abomination aired locally in Washington, D.C., and Ray Kroc decided to give the character a makeover before taking him nationwide. Willard Scott was the clown who designed and played Ronald — fresh off a long stint as the Bozo the Clown — but he wasn’t invited to reprise the role, reportedly because he was too rotund.

The Hamburglar’s Original Form: A Not-So-Subtle Nod to Anti-Semitic Propaganda

The original Hamburglar, who first hit the airwaves in 1971, was a textbook anti-Semitic caricature: a greedy, scheming outcast with a hook nose. Yikes.

Grimace’s Original Form: Criminal Spider

He too debuted in 1971. The big dude’s official name was “Evil Grimace,” and he was cursed with four arms and an insatiable thirst for milkshakes.

What Is Grimace, Anyway?

One franchisee went rogue in an interview and claimed that he’s a giant taste bud. Meanwhile, an episode of The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald called "The Legend of Grimace Island” revealed that Grimace is actually the name of the species, there’s an entire island nation of them and they’re all related. McDonald’s only official statement is that he’s the “embodiment of a milkshake.”

Birdie’s Disturbing Origin

As seen in her first commercial, Birdie the Early Bird plummeted to the ground in egg form in the middle of the night. Instead of fleeing (or better yet, destroying the alien interloper), Ronald, Grimace and a still pretty terrifying Hamburgler decide to collectively roost the egg overnight. Clearly suffering from Stockholm syndrome, she decided to remain in McDonaldland after she hatched.

The Forgotten Filet-O-Fish Mascot

Captain Crook was a rare human inhabitant of McDonaldland, but he only lasted from 1971 to 1987. He was tasked with convincing children that fish sandwiches are fun. He wasn’t very good at his job.

Ronald’s Complicated Relationship With the Denizens of McDonaldland

His captive-captor relationship with Birdie may be the healthiest relationship he has. He’s both friend and archnemesis to all these thieving freaks who only exist to steal McDonald’s food off of windowsills like a hungry cartoon vagrant. He also has carte blanche to eat any resident at any time.

The Incomprehensible Horror of the Hamburger Patch

The Hamburger Patch was a recurring character in various McDonaldland media, and appeared as art installations in some stores. They were an apparently sentient bushel of hamburgers with big doe eyes and freedom of movement. Ronald and friends harvest and consume them at will. 

Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac Are Class Traitors

Though it’s not confirmed canonically, there can be little doubt that these huge cheeseburger-headed freaks came into this world as lumpy growths among the Hamburger Patch. Mayor McCheese stopped appearing in McDonald’s media after a lawsuit by the creators of H.R. Pufnstuf sued McDonald’s for obviously ripping off their proprietary Eldritch horror.

They Razed the Apple Pie Tree Forest in Favor of Automation

McDonald’s has been developing automated kiosks since 1999, with the sole purpose of cutting down their workforce and stuffing hungry families as far down the conversion funnel as possible. Meanwhile, nearly all of the smiling Apple Pie Trees that used to grace their locations have been trashed or sold to collectors. Reportedly, there’s one left inside of a Pennsylvania location.

Think of McDonald’s Workers as the Oompa Loompas of McDonaldland

Actually, they’re treated far worse than the average Loompa. McDonald’s corporate makes a habit of cheating its employees out of their wages. They settled with California workers for $26 million in 2019, and it was earlier reported that 84 percent of employees in New York earned less than they were supposed to.

Employee Abuse Is Official Policy

An employee resource website gave helpful tips like “eat smaller bites of food” to save money, “quit complaining” to reduce workplace stress and included a laughably out-of-touch “sample budget” that assumed rent cost $600 a month. Workers have also reported that management suggests using mustard and mayonnaise to treat kitchen burns.

The Key to the City

You can judge a clown by the company he keeps. Let’s see who Ronald likes to schmooze with. McDonald’s gives out what they call McGold cards to VIPs, entitling the holder to free food. Among the recipients over the years have been the likes of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Rob Lowe and Mitt Romney’s father, all of whom could probably afford to pay for their own cheeseburger.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?