14 Stand-Up Comedians Who Turned Their Acerbic Eye on Society
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Hey there, society. I hope you’re ready to be torn asunder for 14 straight quips, because these comedians, living and dead, are about let ya have it!
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George Burns Says Don’t Listen to the Haters
“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my 50s, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.”
Gilbert Gottfried Says Always Look on the Bright Side
“A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor examines him and says, ‘I’ve got bad news, you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.’ The man goes, ‘Thank god I don’t have cancer!’”
Groucho Marx Says Opposites Attract
“I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.”
Harry Hill’s Case for Atheism
“Of course, if you drop a Bible from a height, you can kill a field mouse. So maybe the Bible isn’t all good.”
Bo Burnham’s Case for Atheism
“I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’ So I didn’t exist.”
Jack Benny’s Honest Opening Line at a Charity Dinner
“I had my choice tonight of buying a hundred-dollar ticket or being up here on the dais. So, good evening, ladies and gentlemen…”
Mike Birbiglia’s Caustic Self-Awareness
“I’m not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, ‘Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?’ I’ve never been in an orgy. I feel like it’d be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball, and everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.”
Robin Williams on How the Confederacy Has Been Building a Clone Army for Generations
“We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.”
Margaret Cho’s Elixir of Truth
“I was drinking tequila, and I was drinking grappa, which is Italian for gasoline, and I was drinking Jagermeister, which I believe is the liquid equivalent of Wonder Woman’s golden lasso, because it will make you tell anybody the truth for no reason whatsoever. ‘You have really bad skin. Thanks for the drink.’”
Les Dawson on a Mother’s Love
“I’m not saying my mother didn’t like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.”
Joan Rivers’ Tragically Prophetic Observation
“Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.”
This Was a Weapons-Grade Zinger in Bob Hope’s Day
“I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.”
Henny Youngman Thinks You Should Only Have to Pay for Medical Care If It Works
“The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.’ Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’”
Mitch Hedberg’s Aha Moment
“Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?”
