14 Clever Jokes That Are Like a Breath of Fresh Air in a Fart Factory on a Hot Summer’s Day

You can thank the fart union for your legally required smoke break
14 Clever Jokes That Are Like a Breath of Fresh Air in a Fart Factory on a Hot Summer’s Day

No luck landing a new job? Ah man, that’s a bummer. Yeah, yeah the job market’s tough. Well look, you’ll find something! You’ve been at the fart factory for like 12 years now, that’s gotta look great on a resume. 

Anyway, maybe these 14 jokes will help take your mind off of things.

George Burns on the Challenge of Getting Older

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”

Stephen Fry Knows What He Wants in a Woman

“Better sexy and racy than sexist and racist.”

Jean Webster Has a Kind Way to Call Someone an Idiot

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”

Abraham Lincoln’s Kind Way to Call Someone Fucking Boring

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”

A Comment on Orson Welles’ Massive Ego, Courtesy of an Anonymous Colleague

“There but for the grace of God, goes God.”

Isaac Asimov’s Comment on His Own Ego

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

James Branch Cabell’s Pessimistic Take on Optimism

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.”

Dolly Parton’s Got Thick Skin

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb — and I also know that I’m not blonde.”

Regrettably, We Gotta Hand It to Ellen

“We use 10 percent of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60 percent.”

Dave Barry’s Revelation Explains the Modern State of UX Design

“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’”

Will Rogers, Sounding a Lot Like Homer Simpson

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”

Jerry Seinfeld on Humanity’s Paradoxical Fears

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."

Shane Richie Still Won’t Believe When He’s the Dalai Lama

“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

How Mitch Hedberg Made Friends

“I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say, ‘Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?’ And he says, ‘No.’ Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say, ‘Hey man, just simmer for ahw— I mean, sit there.’”

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