14 Scathing Jokes and Witty Observations From Stand-Up Comedians and Public Figures

You tell ‘em, Miss Piggy
14 Scathing Jokes and Witty Observations From Stand-Up Comedians and Public Figures

You make about a million observations every day. Why aren’t you on this list?

John-Luke Roberts Says You Couldn’t Make a Bond Film Today

“I’m amazed they can still get insured to make Bond films. Every time he shoots a cameraman in the first take, that would normally close down a production.”

Redd Foxx on a Healthy Lifestyle

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

To Joe Sutherland’s Point, Taylor Does Have More Money Than Many Countries

“Taylor Swift has elected herself as ‘Leader of the Gays,’ our very own Kim Jong-hun.”

Stephen Colbert on True Freedom

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

The Same Could Be Said of People, John Cleese

“If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?”

W.C. Fields Was a Realistic Optimist

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.”

Miss Piggy’s Diet Advice

“Never eat more than you can lift.”

Gore Vidal, King of Pettiness

“It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.”

Yogi Berra Knew His Limits

“When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’”

Steve Martin Is Too Dumb to Quit

“Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.”

Dave Barry’s Chemistry Lesson

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

Rita Mae Brown Said Ignorance Is Bliss

“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”

Ernest Hemingway Said Frick Around and Find Out

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

Channing Pollock Said Shut Up and Stick With Small Talk

“A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.”

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