15 Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians to Reboot Your Worldview
If comedians are good at one thing, it’s spending hours, days and years of their lives ruminating. Naturally then, they’ve come to see the world in a slightly different way than you or I. Here are a few abject bummers and well-articulated moments of optimism from all of that rumination…
Jack Dee on Corporal Punishment and Tourism
“People who are pro-smacking children say, ‘It’s the only language they understand.’ You could apply that to tourists.”
Tim Vine Can Find a Compliment Anywhere
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
Milton Jones Says Your True Achilles’ Heel Might Sneak Up on You
“I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me — until I fell into a printing press.”
George Burns Says ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’ Isn’t Quite It
“Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
20th Century Humorist Jerome K. Jerome Said If You Don’t Quite Understand What You’re Supposed to Do, You’ll Never Work a Day in Your Life
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Bill Bailey Says a Little Reframing Goes a Long Way
“The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.”
Bo Burnham, Suburban Gangster
“I’ve been doin’ drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.”
Demetri Martin’s Easy Tip for a More Restful Sleep
“I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.”
Steven Wright Flips an Old Adage on Its Head
“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”
Doug Stanhope Says You’ll Be Much Happier When You Just Accept It
“There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.”
George Carlin Says WAKE UP, SHEEPLE
“That’s why they call it the American Dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
If Bob Saget Can Muster This Much Optimism, You Can Too!
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn’t work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.”
Rodney Dangerfield Was the Best Thing to Ever Happen to His Mother
“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
Maria Bamford Asks: What’s the Point in Aiming for Mediocrity?
“Normal is just a setting on the dryer.”
Daniel Tosh Wonders If the Great Bambino Was Actually All That Great
“We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before Black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that?”
