15 Stand-Up Jokes to Avada Kedavra Your Blues Away

J.K. Rowling’s grotesque opinions and absurdly overrated writing aside, you gotta hand it to her: she came up with “the killing curse.” Avada Kedavra. A novel device found nowhere else in all of fiction. A character can simply point a long stick at something, and with the slightest twitch of a muscle, kill it instantly — okay, you know what? That’s just a gun. She invented a magic gun.

Wow, she really is just the lamest person on Earth.

15 Andy Field on Intrusive Hospitality

“I asked for a wake-up call at a hotel, and they said, ‘You’re a drug addict, and you’re killing yourself.’”

14 Dave Barry Says Parents Make the Worst Parents

“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”

13 Sketch Comedy Group Just These Please Is Sick of These Woke Policies Being Shoved Down Our Throats

“At Glastonbury this year, a man offered me a ‘hardcore breakfast’: Corn Flakes but with vodka instead of milk and ketamine instead of sugar on top. How disgusting is that? A vegan breakfast.”

12 Bill Bailey Passed the Bechdel Test

“Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonized a male-dominated joke format!’”

11 Charlie Brooker on Nigel Farage

“The human equivalent of a pop-up advert you just can’t click away.”

10 Glenn Moore Gets His Work Ethic From His Father

“In his job, my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.”

9 Joe Jacobs Almost Canceled Himself

“My doctor said to refer to my nervous breakdown as an episode. To be honest, it was more like a season finale.”

8 Milo McCabe Sums Up British Life: Drunk and Wet…

“British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.”

7 An Etymology Lesson From the Scummy Mummies Show

“Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning Sunday, and keya, meaning ‘fucking ruined.’”

6 Sam Morrison Has a Strong Argument

“Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theater. That’s like a fat camp using Korean barbecue.”

5 Glenn Moore Respects His Elders

“I’ve learnt that saying ‘Oh, this old thing?’ isn’t an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.”

4 Ivo Graham Can’t Decide on His Own

“Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.”

3 Russell Howard Believes the Golden Rule Applies to Christmas, Too

“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie. You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A butt plug? Same here!’”