15 Stand-Up Jokes to Break the Surface Tension of Depression Enveloping Your Beautiful Brain

Let’s break up all those stale neural pathways, and forge some new ones
15 Stand-Up Jokes to Break the Surface Tension of Depression Enveloping Your Beautiful Brain

All those anxious thoughts and depressive episodes are forming a meniscus inside that thick skull of yours. Let’s break things up with some medical-grade comedy bits…

Mike Birbiglia Wants to Get His Message Across

“I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.”

Rodney Dangerfield’s Childhood Was One Long Game of Hide-and-Seek

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

Jerry Seinfeld Says Theme Park and Board Game Marketing Is a Lie

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

Andy Field Is Really in His Cups

“Maybe this is the beer talking, but I’m an alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavored with hops.”

If Catherine Bohart’s Math Is Correct, Should There Be a Professional Pornography League?

“I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.”

Milton Jones Is a News Consumer

“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.”

Tim Vine Is a Webmaster

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Jack Dee Has a Challenge for You

“Try saying: ‘Whale Oil Beef Hooked’ without sounding like an Irish man swearing.”

Bill Bailey Has a Bone to Pick With an Old Adage

“A lot of people say there’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I don’t think there’s a fine line, I actually think there’s a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he’s not going home to invent a rocket, is he?”

Stewart Lee Thinks Harry Potter Went on a Little Too Long

“Remember when the last Harry Potter title came out? I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit? Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Or Harry Potter and the Stick of Wood? Or Harry Potter and the Forest of Embarrassment? Or Harry Potter and the Meh Meh Meh. ‘Have you read the new Harry Potter book, Stew. It’s good, have you read it?’ No, I haven’t read it, because I’m a 40-year-old man.”

Victoria Wood Has Her Priorities

“People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.”

Sara Pascoe Works Hard to Please Her Man

“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.”

There’s an Easy Solution That Milton Jones Just Isn’t Seeing

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

Tim Vine Lives in the Bad Part of Town

“My next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.”

Gary Delaney Is No Longer Welcome at the Zoo

“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still wanking.”

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