14 Dark Jokes From Sad Clown Comedians
If you’re trying to look on the bright side, maybe don’t turn to Anthony Jeselnik, Frankie Boyle and Sarah Millican.
Anthony Jeselnik on the Optimal Conditions to Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil
“My grandfather died a couple years ago, but he died like a king. No one was even mad. My grandfather died in what has to be the best way possible. My grandfather died in a hammock, on a beach, in Hawaii, during a sunset. That’s how I want to go out: strangled to death.”
Frankie Boyle Misses the Simple Days Before 9/11
“I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, ‘I’m havin’ that!’”
Jimmy Carr Is Curious About the Human Experience:
“People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?”
Katherine Ryan’s Addition to the Age-Gap Discourse
“I recently went home with a 25-year-old. I’ve never been with a 25-year-old since I was, well, 14.”
Michael McIntyre May Have Made a Tactical Error
“My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: ‘One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.’ I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘One, your sister…’”
Russell Howard Is in It for the Love of the Game
“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup — just happy to be there.”
Sarah Millican Was a Child Prodigy — In a Way
“I used to get into trouble at school for talking. It’s funny that the only thing I was criticized for back then is now my job. I just hope the same fate didn’t befall the school ‘bike.’”
Doug Stanhope Is Pouring One Out for His Comrades
“I hate when your friends quit drinking on you. It’s sad. I’ve lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It’s sad to see ‘em go. You see a 30-day chip on your buddy’s key ring, it’s like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.”
Charlie Brooker on Justin Bieber
“Just another nauseating butter-wouldn’t-melt pop-weasel hammered into the global consciousness like a nail of frozen piss to a cabbage.”
Stewart Lee on the Simple Choices of Whether to Party and How to Die
“Every Australian Day is like a sort of decision tree of simple binary choices. Sleep or wake? Shorts or swimming trunks? Beach or park? Smoothie or heroin? Hepatitis or skin cancer? Up at the end of a sentence… or down.”
Ricky Gervais Is Still Wrapping His Head Around Nursery Rhymes
“I’ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don’t sit on a wall, if you’re an egg.”
Jimmy Carr Is a Man of Honor
“Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?”
Frankie Boyle on the American Education System
“When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.”
Anthony Jeselnik Has a Heart of Gold Underneath the Doom and Gloom
“I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”
