14 Jokes That Are Like a SAD Lamp to Your Season Depression
If there’s one thing we know about depression, it’s that you can pull yourself out of it through the simple act of smiling. You can put a pencil in your mouth to mimic a smile, you can build one of those A Clockwork Orange machines for your mouth or you could read these killer jokes.
Norm Macdonald on Improv in the Bedroom
“Sex couldn’t be simpler. I think there’s only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, ‘Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.’”
Steven Wright Is a Lonely Guy
“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.”
Doug Stanhope Stumps the Scientists
“If secondhand smoke is killing that many people, and nicotine is so addictive, then why is no one addicted to secondhand smoke?”
Billy Connolly Is a Trooper
“I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”
Bill Bailey Figured Out How to Mathematically Live Forever
“The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life — that way you’ve always got a couple of days in hand.”
Micky P Kerr Has Some Bad News
“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short-term memory. Well, if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?”
Peter Kay’s Fish Pun
“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’”
Milton Jones Is Proud of His Heritage of Stupidity
“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.”
Chris Rock Images the Military Might of the United States’ 30th Largest City
“Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. ‘We gotta go to Iraq because they’re the most dangerous country on Earth, they’re the most dangerous regime in the world.’ If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Man, you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks.”
Dan Antolpolski Boldly Imagines World Peace
“Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”
Tim Vine Has Bad News for Peter Parker and Fans of Rice
“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr. Rice Guy.”
Lewis Black Knows How to Party
“NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. It’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green! And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That’s right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, ‘This tastes like shit!’ But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.”
Peter Kay Makes the News Fun
“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”
Steven Wright Is Operating on a Level of Efficiency Most of Us Can Only Dream Of
“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only 10 minutes.”
