14 Amazing Jokes That Don’t Quite Fit on a Popsicle Stick
Sorry, you ate all that popsicle for nothing. We had a bunch of good jokes lined up, but none of them would fit. As you can see, we just printed a little frowny face.
Chris Rock on How to Get Out of Life on Top
“My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. ‘If they ain’t cutting it off, I ain’t paying.’ She would say, ‘The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they’ll come and tap on your window.’ Her whole philosophy of life was: ‘if you die owing money, then you’ve won.’”
Bill Engvall on Aging Gracefully
“I'm in my 50s now, which is a cool age. I love being in my 50s because people gotta listen to you now; you've been around for a while. The other side of that coin is that — because you're in your 50s — you still care what people think about you. So you kind of filter what you say. Now if that’s the case, I can't wait until I'm 80. Because 80-year-old people don’t give a damn what you think. Think about it: How many 80-year-old people with any tact at all do you know? None! ‘Cause they don’t have to! They’re 80! Does Grandma hold her farts in at the dinner table? No! She doesn’t have to. She’s earned the right to fart at your dinner table. She’ll fart at the pearly gates on her way to meet sweet Jesus.”
Johnny Carson on the One Thing That Would Calm Those Crazy City Streets in the ‘70s
“Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.”
Mike Birbiglia’s Dream Girl
“I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who loves me for my money, but doesn’t understand math.”
Lisa Lampanelli’s Jimmy Kimmel Joke from 2005 Would Make for a Scathing Critique of This Year’s Oscars
“Hitler got more laughs than Jimmy Kimmel, and he did it without Jewish writers.”
Robin Williams on the Eternal Conundrum
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
Nick Swardson’s Got a Good Question
“Why would somebody worship the devil? Has the devil paid off for anybody, ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won, and they came out and they're like, ‘Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.’”
Billy Connolly Has a Horrible, Unforgivable Question
“Have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”
Margaret Cho Prefers the Single Life
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos: I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.”
Did Les Dawson Accidentally Invent the Scrub Daddy Like Five Decades Ago?
“I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the baby’s face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother.”
Joan Rivers Had Long Ago Given Up on Love
“Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.”
Same Here, Jackie Mason
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”
Mitch Hedberg’s Conundrum
“As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. ‘How’d I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down.’”
Bo Burnham Doesn’t Have All the Answers
“All the time, people ask me the same exact thing. They say, ‘Bo, you’re an artist. How do we fix Africa?’”
