15 Historical Jokes That Were Almost Lost to the Sands of Time

15 Historical Jokes That Were Almost Lost to the Sands of Time

Think of all the goofball non sequiturs that will be lost forever because no one thought to invent Twitter. Here are 15 that someone thought to scribble onto a wax tablet before they floated off into nothingness…

An Ancient Greek Anecdote

“A sharp wit observes a slow runner: ‘I know just what that gentleman needs.’ 

‘What’s that?’ demands the sponsor of the race. 

‘He needs a horse, otherwise, he can’t outrun the competition!’”

Ghandi Kinda Got Our Asses

Reporter: What do you think of Western civilization?

Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

Dorothy Parker with One of the Most Dignified Yo Mama Jokes of All Time

Some Guy: I can’t bear fools.

Dorothy Parker: Apparently your mother could.

Dorothy Parker’s Not Done Yet Either

Remarking on Harvard’s prom, she said, “If all the ladies there were laid end to end… I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Calvin Puts the ‘Cool’ in ‘Coolidge’ When Remarking on a Performer the Entire Audience Hated

Some Guy: What do you think of the singer’s execution?

Calvin Coolidge: I’m all for it.

An Old Greek Joke with a Brutal Punchline

“Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, ‘Professor, I’m unable to lie down or stand up; I can’t even sit down.’ 

The doctor responds: ‘I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself.’”

Winston Churchill Was an Historically Eepy Little Guy

Some Guy: Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?

Winston Churchill: No, it’s purely voluntary.

The Greeks Sure Did Hate a Yella-Bellied Milksop

“A coward is asked which are safer — warships or merchant-ships. ‘Dry-docked ships,’ he answers.”

Abraham Lincoln, After Being Called Two-Faced

“I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?”

Even Ancient Greeks Hated Their Landlords

“An envious landlord sees how happy his tenants are. So he evicts them all.”

Actress and Author Ilka Chase Handled Sexism with Aplomb

Some Guy: I enjoyed your book. Who wrote it for you?

Ilka Chase: I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?

The Greeks Even Perfected Schoolyard Bullying

“A guy with bad breath decides to take his own life. So he wraps his head and asphyxiates himself.”

British Political Commentator Katie Hopkins Dropped This Zinger on a Singer

Some Guy: You know, my dear, I insured my voice for $50,000.

Katie Hopkins: That’s wonderful. And what did you do with the money?

A Greek Joke About an Idiot Drunk, or an Excellent Marketer

“A drunk opens a bar, and stations a chained bear outside.”

Decorated British General Arthur Wellesley Couldn’t Stop Destroying the French

Wellesley had fought and defeated a great many Frenchman. When some French officers turned their backs on him during a peacetime event, someone attempted to apologize on their behalf. He replied, “I have seen their backs before.”

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