15 One-Liners That Sit Atop Joke Mountain
Welcome, weary traveler. By the look of it, you’ve been traversing Joke Mountain for quite some time. But worry not, for now, you are here at the summit. By the way, you know there’s a gondola, right? You didn’t have to do all that hiking and stuff.
Bo Burnham Is a Traditionalist
“We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving — turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.”
Mitch Hedberg on the Bright Side of Alcoholism
“My manager gets concerned, he says, ‘Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.’ I can’t use liquor as a crutch — because a crutch helps me walk.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Helping with Domestic Chores
“My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.”
Taylor Tomlinson on Why She Takes Edibles at Bedtime
“I had to start taking something at night because I was having nightmares as an adult, which is like when you get braces at 40. Everybody’s like, ‘You’re still doing that?’”
Demetri Martin on Commemorating Historical Figures
“Statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.”
Norm Macdonald Was Extremely Open-Minded, Even to Hip New Cultures He Didn’t Understand
“I wouldn’t call myself a fan of Steampunk. But I will say, it’s the healthiest way to prepare punk.”
Steven Wright on How Not to Travel Internationally
“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’”
Jim Gaffigan Likes to Educate Himself, But Knows His Limits
“You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, ‘Continued on page six’? I'm like, ‘Not for me. I'm done.’”
Doug Stanhope Says Some Thrillseekers Don’t Do It for the Love of the Game
“People wrestle alligators, but not once has someone done it without an audience.”
The Trend That George Carlin Pointed Out Continues to This Very Day
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
Take Anthony Jeselnik’s Relationship Advice (With a Grain of Salt)
“The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a Band-Aid — slowly and in the shower.”
RIP Joan Rivers, You Would Have Loved the Overdiagnosis of Depression
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
A Rare Bob Saget Line Without Profanity (Although, Fittingly, Still About Profanity)
“Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.”
Daniel Tosh’s Vision for a Healthier Tomorrow
“I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking a 5K. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check.”
