8 Bits of Good News From the Week of February 2, 2024

8 An Anonymous Hacker Is Fixing People’ s Routers

When news of a dangerous vulnerability affecting MikroTik routers was found, it raised the eyebrows of hackers around the world. One in particular, though, known only as “Alexey,” jumped into action, using his unauthorized access to the routers to fix them. The exploit was remedied by a patch from MicroTik, which is a solution for people who give a shit about things like downloading security patches and updating router firmware, which isn’t most people. 

For everyone else, Alexey, like some sort of benevolent Firewall Fairy, hacked into their routers and adjusted their settings to protect them from further intrusion.

7 A Basketball Mascot Caught a Bat in a Batman Costume

A beautiful, highly visual moment that I won’t clog with too much over-description. What you need to know is that Transylvania isn’t the only place with an out-of-control bat population, and bats where they shouldn’t be aren’t uncommon in parts of Texas. When one found its way onto the court during a San Antonio Spurs game, they were beyond ready, with their mascot (in a Batman suit, of course) quickly trapping the echolocating offender in a net.

6 Donations Replace Stolen Jackie Robinson Statue

As far as things to steal on a lark go, it’s weird how often vandals seem to land on “statue.” On one hand, I get it, it’s the best way to get people to notice something is definitely gone, since an empty pedestal is a dead giveaway. On the other, those things are fucking heavy. That didn’t stop some thieves from stealing and destroying a statue of color-barrier-breaking baseball icon Jackie Robinson in Kansas. Within one week, though, the community had pooled together $160,000 to smelt up a brand spanking new one, which I would recommend they cover in some sort of spikes or grease.

5 A Nature-Loving Child Discovered a New Species

Two years ago, a 14-year-old went out on a hike with his dad to experience the leafy green thing I’ve seen in pictures and have been informed is called “nature.” While on that hike, he noticed a unique looking stick insect, and brought it home. He relayed his discovery to the Indonesian Mantis and Phasmid Forum, and what may have started as a kind attempt to further a child’s interest in nature turned into actual scientific progress when it turned out to be a new species. Now, the inclusion of Nesiophasma sobesonbaii is official.

4 Million Dollar Donation Wipes Out Children’ s Lunch Debts

This might be a happy story, but man, the entire existence and occurrence of children school lunch debts is poison to the soul. Literal children carrying a debt caused by their school charging them for a rectangle of dogshit pepperoni pizza. Perhaps we can slip enough missile money into the public education system to feed the fucking kids? Anyways, this is a positive article, so take solace in the fact that the Arby’s Foundation, which I assume has the main mission of curling the nation’s fries, cleared over 7,000 students' lunch debts in Georgia with a one million dollar donation.

3 1,500 Tents Donated to the Unhoused in Portland

If you’re one of those people who sees someone unfortunate enough to be living in a tent, and instead of thinking “oh, that's horrible,” thinks “that tent that’s probably full of drugs and knives is blocking my favorite bush,” skip this one. Get your empathy glands checked, too. Anyway, in Portland, Oregon, in the midst of brutally icy weather, multiple charities worked together to provide the unhoused with 1,500 tents that could save their lives during such an awful winter.

2 A Bus Driver Saved a Schoolkid From Choking on Candy

In Florida, a school bus driver saved a young life through awareness and not only knowledge of the Heimlich maneuver, but the wherewithal to apply it instead of panicking wildly and just fruitlessly squeezing a child. The driver noticed that a boy was turning purple choking on a piece of candy, and successfully heave-hoed the treat out of his windpipe. Knowing schoolchildren, they probably then immediately threw it at the back of her head once she returned to her seat.

1 Cancelled Wedding Reception Turns Into Special Needs Children’s Party

One devastating life event turned into a highlight for plenty of others, thanks to a benevolent bride-no-more. Two weeks before her wedding, a bride in California was forced to call things off. Kindly and understandably, the article doesn’t go into detail as to why, but boy howdy, do I want that hot goss. Regardless of cause, she was informed that the $15,000 reception was fully non-refundable, and rather than throwing herself a pity party, she instead passed the booked revelry onto a local charity for special needs kids. Thanks to her kindness, more than 100 children and their families were treated to, I assume, the song “Shout” and a whole lot of sea bass.