15 Killer Jokes to Help You Charge Into Monday With a Rictus Grin Plastered on Your Face
This is it. The thing you’ve been mentally preparing for all weekend: the following work week. You probably wasted half your weekend enjoying yourself, relaxing, getting lost in fulfilling hobbies — not producing an ounce of capital. Well, we need you to switch gears, and start dreading the next five days, pronto. These jokes will help curl your mouth in a facsimile of a smile, so you can greet your fellow cogs with an ostensibly pleasant expression.
Ricky Gervais Sticking it to Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson
“I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson.”
Frankie Boyle on Body Image
“I’m very old now, and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.”
Katherine Ryan on Changing Beauty Standards
“Beyoncé is so powerful, she reinvented ‘sexy face.’ Remember what it used to look like, girls? Little smile? Wrong! ‘Sexy-face,’ thanks to Beyoncé, is: there is a bad smell, and you’re angry about it.”
Eddie Izzard on Hiding Her Identity Growing Up
“I couldn’t tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They’d kill me with sticks. ‘Why are we killing him with sticks?’ ‘I don’t know. He said a word we didn’t understand, and he won at Scrabble with it.’”
Milton Jones on How Not to Pull Off the Perfect Crime
“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”
Jack Whitehall on Dining Out with Picky Friends
“If I’m with someone that complains in a restaurant, I die inside. ‘Don’t say anything. Don’t make a scene. Just eat the nut, all right? We have an EpiPen at home. We will deal with it later.’”
Stephen Fry’s Compelling Reason to Go Vegan
“Animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers.”
Bill Bailey on Getting a Foothold in Your Career
“Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.”
Gary Gulman on Living Up to Your Potential
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.”
Tim Vine’s Joke Could Have Worked with a Less Confusing, Less British Term Than ‘Swimming Baths,’ But It’s Still Funny
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said, ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”
Russell Howard Beat the Thesaurus
“What’s the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!”
Paul Merton Has an Interesting Perspective on Literature
“Every story ever written’s in the dictionary. You just have to put the words in the right order.”
Jimmy Carr Understands That Nothing Makes Sense When You’re a New Homeowner
“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of ten people said they really rather liked it.”
Michael McIntyre on Being Both Poor and Single
“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this. There was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”
Bo Burnham on the One Thing He Won’t Joke About
“I know what you guys are thinking: ‘Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, is there anything off limits? Anything you don’t find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?’ And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we’ve been through enough.”
