15 Funny Jokes to Stave Off the Sunday Scaries
Listen up, Sunday Scaries — you stay away from our loyal audience! They’re hardworking, intelligent and have extremely good taste! And you’re nothing but a chemical manifestation of our collective agita at being slowly crushed between a capitalist patriarchy and an impending global climate crisis.
Actually, that is extremely scary. Okay Sunday Scaries, take our audience, just please leave me alone.
If You’ve Made a Vow to Never Drink Again, Doug Stanhope Has a Plan for You
“Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.”
If You’re Going to Church Today, Bo Burnham’s Got a Joke That’ll Probably Go Over Well
“I stopped, and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’ So I didn’t exist.”
If You’re Back on Campus, and Trying to Decide Between Studying and Partying, Let Natasha Leggero Weigh In
“College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.”
George Carlin’s Got Some Advice If You’re Spending Your Day on Your Favorite Subreddits
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
And If You’re the One Getting Roasted in the Forums, Hit ‘Em with This Line from Jim Jefferies
“I don’t understand people who get offended by jokes. It’s like getting mad at a magician for not really sawing a woman in half. It’s just entertainment, folks!”
If You’ve Already Given Up on Your Resolution to ‘Create Healthy Habits,’ Joan Rivers Has Your Back
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Spending a Lazy Day with Your Significant Other? Spice Things Up with This Anthony Jeselnik Anecdote
“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’”
John Mulaney with Some Advice on Dealing with the Pedants in Your Life
“You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”
Mitch Hedberg Has a Good Way to Make a New Friend Today
“I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said, ‘Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep, I will tip you over.’”
Taylor Tomlinson on Learning That the Frontal Lobe Doesn’t Fully Develop Until Your Late 20s
“That fact is proof that God is a man, because who else would finish your boobs years before your brain? That’s bullshit. You’re telling me no one in Heaven’s like, ‘Hey, God, are you gonna finish the brain today? You keep putting it off, and it seems important.’ He’s like, ‘This is important! Don’t tell me how to do my job. I’m God, damn it! I’m gonna make one of them bigger for, like, eight years.’”
Study Some Classical Music with Norm Macdonald
“When Mozart would sit down and compose a new piano concerto, he’d first pause, close his eyes and say to himself, ‘I better make this as hard as fuck to play.’”
If You’re Going to the Mall Today, Avoid the Hazard That Almost Took Out Demetri Martin
“One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
This Is Bob Saget Roasting Jon Lovitz, But It Can Be Applied to Whatever Hobby You’re Thinking About Practicing in Public Today
“Jon, your act is like masturbation: You’re the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.”
Mitch Hedberg on How to Have Fun as an Adult
“As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. ‘How’d I get up here, god damnit?!?! I guess I have to slide down.’”
Bill Hicks with Some Food for Thought If You’re in Church Today
“Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?”
