15 Dark Humor Jokes That Are Actually the Light We Need

You think darkness is your ally?
15 Dark Humor Jokes That Are Actually the Light We Need

If you’re struggling through the long winter months, and feeling like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, maybe that’s a good thing! A light? In a tunnel? That could be an oncoming train, or construction, or a fire. Any of those are way more annoying than just crawling through this dark tunnel.

Anyway, read these 15 grim jokes from miserable comedians, and let us know if the metaphor still holds up by the end of the article.

Bo Burnhan on Boomer Wisdom

“My aunt used to say, ‘Slow and steady wins the race.’ She died in a fire.”

Doug Stanhope Questions the Sanctity of Marriage

“If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? Would you go, ‘Baby, this shit we got together? It’s so good, we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can’t just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!’”

George Carlin Has Some Fuel for the Existential Dread Burning in Your Gut

“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

Natasha Leggero on the Only Remaining Path to Fame and Fortune

“Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That’s the new American dream.”

Jim Jefferies on Moderating Moderation

“I’m not saying drugs are good, but I’m saying that I’m alive because of them. So, you know, it’s a balancing act.”

Joan Rivers Was into Soaking Before It Was a Buzzword

“I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

Anthony Jeselnik on This Whole Peanut Allergy Fad

“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know. But still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting — they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

Sarah Silverman on a Woman’s Right to Choose

“I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”

Doug Stanhope’s Hopeful Stance on Addiction

“There’s no such thing as addiction. There’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.”

Norm Macdonald on the Dark Lessons That Lie Within History Books

“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”

George Carlin on What Guided His Moral Compass

“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning 18, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

Bill Hicks on What Society Does with Nonconformists

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly colored and it’s very loud and it’s fun — for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: ‘Is this real, or is this just a ride?’ And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, ‘Hey, don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.’ And we kill those people.”

Bob Saget on the Trouble with Dating As You Age

“I’m going to be 50 this year. Soon I’m going to meet somebody around my own age, and she’s going to be smart and beautiful, and I’m going to date her daughter.”

Mitch Hedberg on the True Dangers of Addiction

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.”

Ali Wong on the Efficiency of Breastfeeding

“I do it because breast is free. Local, organic, free-range-farm-to-mouth milk squirting out of my titties. I wasn’t about to let that go to waste. If you shat out juicy hamburgers, would you ever wait in the line at In-N-Out Burger again?”

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