Dark Humor Jokes to Cap Another Endless Work Week
Oh, you thought humor was supposed to be funny? That jokes were supposed to make you laugh? That watching a comedy special was supposed to somehow brighten your day? Sorry, bud, some of the best comedians in history have left audiences feeling bleaker than they knew possible. Comedians like…
George Carlin on Dreaming Big
“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
Whitney Cummings on Modern Technology
“I really hope cell phones aren’t bad for us, but I would like the excuse: ‘I can’t talk right now. You’re giving me cancer.’”
Bob Saget Wanted to Show Off
“I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car, and I want you to see them.”
Anthony Jeselnik on Going Out on Top
“About a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?’”
Joan Rivers on Body Image
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
Iliza Shlesinger on Consent
“We’ve been taught this message since we were little girls: Princesses get saved. Sleeping Beauty was saved when the Prince kissed her while she was sleeping. Terrible moral. What do we take away from that? Generations of men were like, ‘No, if you just kiss them when they’re sleeping, they’re forever grateful… Officer.’”
Norm Macdonald’s Oddly Optimistic Take on Addiction
“He has the disease of alcoholism. I’m the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, ‘Richie, it’s true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.’”
Rodney Dangerfield on Fatherly Love
“I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait ‘til it gets warmer.’”
Dave Attell on Taking Care of Yourself
“I don’t jog. Not because I’m against jogging — it always seems that joggers are the ones who find the dead body. You never find a dead body when you’re sitting at home, eating ice cream and watching porno.”
Joan Rivers on Staying Sexy
“I have no sex appeal, and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.”
Daniel Tosh’s Dream Funeral
“I’m going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience, and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over.”
Greg Giraldo on Picking Favorites
“You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.”
Nikki Glaser Evoking a Dead Relative to Roast Bruce Willis
“This is a real big personal moment for me, to be here roasting my dead cousin’s second-favorite action star.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Motherly Love
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”
