15 Jokes for the Hall of Fame from Larry David’s Stand-Up
Back in the days when he was a stand-up, Larry David was famous for being a comic’s comic. “Which means I sucked,” David says now. We beg to differ. While there’s not a lot of recorded David stand-up out there in the wild, we mined 15 great jokes worthy of the Comedy Hall of Fame. You’ll no doubt agree that they’re pretty, pretty good.
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A Little Tu Tense
“You seem like a very nice audience. I’m wondering in case I break into some Spanish or French, may I use the familiar tu form with you people? I think usted is gonna be a little too formal for this crowd.”
A Mother’s Revenge
“It must have been very, very stressful to have grown up living next door to Jonas Salk’s mother. You got this woman and every day, the same thing: ‘Estelle, did I happen to mention that my son Jonas, who your little Stevie never let play in the games or stuck him in right field, who never went out with the girls and wasn’t athletic, did I happen to mention that he discovered the cure for polio?’”
A Room with a View
“It’s nice to be in New York. I used to live here for many years. I had nothing. I was a total loser. In fact, I used to walk around outside looking for spots to live for when I became homeless. Once I found a spot with a ventilator with heat coming out. I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to put a deposit down on this place.’”
He’s Got My Vote
“This is actually a great time for me to cheat on my wife because of that whole Clinton scandal. She was such a staunch supporter of the guy that, you know, what is she gonna say?”
Dating Under Hitler
“I’ve always been obsessed with women, and I’ve often wondered, if I’d grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would! ‘Schlomo, look at that one over there. My god, is she gorgeous! I’ve had my eye on her for weeks. I’d like to go up and say something to her.’ The problem is there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp.”
Self-Loathing as an Introduction
“You tolerate me. You really, really tolerate me.”
Death by Manual Override
“The closest I ever came to death is when I masturbated with a 104-degree temperature. I had the flu, I was sweating, I was under the covers, I was shivering, sweat was coming down and I couldn’t even raise my arm hardly. I’m dying here, and the next thing I know, boom boom boom. I thought I was dead, I started drifting toward the white light and then there’s my uncle going, ‘Oh my god, you’re disgusting.’”
Do the Humpty-Hump
“I didn’t date much. I was very desperate, and yet, I was very particular. An odd combination. I had that in common with Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Like me, he had nothing to offer and yet was extremely particular. He had to go out with the best-looking woman in Paris. His friends would try to fix him up. ‘Quasi, there’s a great girl in my office. Wonderful personality. She’s a gifted pianist, a gourmet chef. And she’s cool with the hump.’ ‘But does she have big jugs?’”
A Magician Never Reveals His Secrets
“One thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn’t take any shit from magicians. Hitler was a big, big fan of magic. He’d go to a magic club, and he watched the show and afterwards, he’d go backstage to talk to the magician. ‘It was a vonderful show. And I was just vondering, I was talking to my friend. Vere’s the rabbit?’ ‘I’m sorry, Mein Fuhrer, I’m really glad you enjoyed it, but we’re really not allowed to tell about the secrets. You know, they’re tricks.’ ‘Yes, I understand you’re not allowed to tell, but just tell me, vere’s the rabbit?’ ‘Mein Fuhrer, really, it’s a union thing.’ ‘VERE IS THE RABBIT?’”
An Honest Question
“Did Clinton actually think that he was going to get a blow job from a Jew and get off scot-free?”
Freedom of Choice
"Who do you think has more freedom — the married man in America, or the single man in communist China? I gotta go for the single guy in Communist China. I mean, I’m a married guy in America — I can leave the country, but I can't leave my house. They can leave the house, but they can’t leave the country. I like that better.”
Screen Machine
“It’s a good thing they didn’t have answering machines when they were trying to form posses because everybody would be screening. ‘Larry, this is Sherrif Robins calling. We getting a posse together this afternoon, 2:30. Going to meeting over by the old red barn. Geez, we’d sure appreciate it if you could make this posse. We’re kind of short on guys.'”
#MeToo, Myself and I
“A lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news of late. I couldn’t help but notice a very disturbing pattern emerging, which is that many of the predators — not all, but many of them — are Jews. I don’t like it when Jews are in the headlines for notorious reasons. I want ‘Einstein Discovers the Theory of Relativity,’ and ‘Salk Cures Polio.’ What I don’t want? ‘Weinstein Took It Out.’”
Out of Sight
“I was a private chauffeur for a woman who was blind as a bat. I can’t say enough wonderful things about the blind boss. You can really get away with murder. The car was filthy, there was bird poop all over it, she had no idea.”
I’ll Have the Flounder
“I used to keep a condom in my wallet. Now I just have a little book listing which fish have the highest mercury content.”
