5 Fan Theories That Actually Improve Terrible Movies and TV Shows

Where Hollywood fails, fan theorists thrive
5 Fan Theories That Actually Improve Terrible Movies and TV Shows

In its rush to churn out enough content to keep the masses from ever opening a book and/or expressing hopes and dreams to a loved one, Hollywood doesn’t always exercise the best quality control. Yes, a lot of mainstream movies and TV shows are pretty darn craptacular, but thanks to the internet’s endless supply of unpaid labor, some fans have worked tirelessly to come up with ridiculous theories that make these terrible tales seem way better in retrospect, like how…

Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.

‘Cats’ Takes Place After a Some Kind of Apocalypse

Even die-hard furries likely had trouble enjoying Cats, even more so after the butthole edit. It was a notorious cinematic disaster, giving us both Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s classic songs and a CGI-tweaked James Corden-kitty getting hit in the junk.

Even though sitting through this movie is arguably more harmful to one’s health than watching that VHS tape from The Ring, at least one theory makes the film far more fascinating/existentially terrifying. As Syfy pointed out, while the original stage musical version of Cats takes place “in a junkyard in the dead of night with no one around,” the movie expanded the story’s locales, finding the titular creatures dancing in theaters, houses and even in the middle of London’s Trafalgar Square — yet weirdly, not a single human being is ever seen.

Coupled with the fact that several human buildings have seemingly been rebranded as cat-centric businesses, including the “Grand Feral Hotel,” clearly something weird (other than literally everything else) is going on here. Were all the humans killed off by human-sized cat-people, who possibly kept the smaller cat-people we see in the movie as pets? 

The theory further speculates that the larger cat-people were raptured (which is why they’re not in the movie), and the ‘lil cat-people are attempting to join them, with the help of the Egyptian cat God Bastet, statues of whom can be seen throughout the film.

Sure, it’s a little out there, but is it any more out there than the idea of a bunch of A-list stars willingly agreeing to sing show tunes on camera while wearing skin-tight costumes with digital fur?

Paul Blart Dies Before the End of ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’

Satiating America’s rabid hunger for more Blart-based cinema, 2015 gave us Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, the follow-up to the movie predicated on the notion that a mustachioed Kevin James riding a segway is hilarious.

One person on Reddit believes that they have discovered unknown layers of meaning behind this god-awful sequel, theorizing that Paul Blart actually dies partway through the movie. If you’re one of the blessed souls who hasn’t seen PBMC 2, in one scene, Blart hides in a bizarrely huge, bulletproof suitcase, but then accidentally falls into a swimming pool. Even Paul Blart admits: “This is it.”

So what if Blart really did drown? Sure, the whole “they were secretly dead the entire time” twist has been done to, well, death, but the movie may give us a few clues hinting at Paul’s grim fate. For one thing, we never actually see how Paul escapes from the suitcase; he just inexplicably appears at the surface of the pool, unharmed. Meanwhile, the scene right after his near-drowning finds Paul donning literal angel wings, a symbolic hint that Paul is really in the afterlife.

This means that the end of the movie is just a fantasy in which Paul is able to live out his dreams and wrap up his Earthly business before ascending into the unknown (hence why there’s never been a Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3).

‘Fuller House’ Is Michelle’s Coma Dream

Full House was a dumb show that remains a nostalgic favorite for ‘90s kids who used the Tanner family’s hijinks to drown out the sound of their parents fighting. But the recent spin-off, Fuller House, is perhaps even worse. Like, did we really need to see Stephanie drive a car through the kitchen wall and miraculously not kill anyone a second time?!

One of the oddest aspects of the show is that the youngest Tanner sibling, Michelle, is never seen and barely even referenced. In reality, this is because the Olsen twins are busy doing… whatever it is they do. But one theory suggests that all of Fuller House is really Michelle’s coma dream.

This could explain the lack of Michelle: It’s a dream in which the dreamer is processing their own absence. It would also explain the show’s inconsistencies and regurgitated storylines. And it’s not like this is coming totally out of nowhere. As we’ve mentioned before, the final episode of Full House involves Michelle getting in a severe horseback riding accident and being knocked out cold.

So what if she never woke up? Does that make more or less sense than Michelle curing her severe brain damage by hugging her doppelganger?

‘Two and a Half Men’ Has a ‘Fight Club’-esque Twist

Chuck Lorre, who is somehow still not in jail for the psychic damage caused by Young Sheldon, famously created Two and a Half Men, the massively popular sitcom that is about as funny as a jagged metal kidney stone. One Redditor’s theory at least manages to find some interesting elements in the show, speculating that Jon Cryer’s character Alan is hallucinating the character of Charlie following a mental breakdown caused by his divorce. Perhaps because his real brother died when Alan was younger (and perhaps because he had just watched both Hot Shots! movies on cable).

This would explain why Alan is somehow able to keep living in his brother’s beach house after Charlie was killed by a subway train. The house is bought by Ashton Kutcher’s billionaire character Walden, who… then lets this stranger continue living there rent-free? No, according to the theory, Walden is really a mental-health professional brought in to monitor Alan.

Alan’s deteriorating mental state could also shed some light on that one random musical number:

Speaking of deteriorating mental faculties...

In ‘Batman & Robin,’ The Riddler Turned Everyone in Gotham City into a Moron

Batman & Robin is obviously a very silly movie full of ice puns, rubber nipples and scenes of the Dark Knight using a Bat Credit Card at an impromptu bachelorette auction.

But Batman & Robin seemingly still takes place within the same continuity of the previous three films, featuring several actors reprising their roles, including Michael Gough as Alfred. Which is weird considering how unrelentingly dark those first two movies are. And while Batman Forever was admittedly a tad campy, in Batman & Robin, everyone in Gotham suddenly seems to be acting like a cartoon character on peyote.

One fan posited that this could be the result of the Riddler’s scheme in Batman Forever, which involved sucking the intelligence out of every citizen's brain using his invention: “The Box.”

While Batman (and, to a lesser extent, Robin) ultimately put a stop to Riddler’s plan, it sure seems like he already did a lot of damage by that point. And if the vast majority of Gothamites were made dumber by the events of Batman & Robin, it now makes sense why most characters are so bafflingly incompetent. Not to mention why the City Council decided to approve a bunch of massive, naked, potentially hazardous statues in the middle of a busy metropolis.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter (if it still exists by the time you’re reading this). 

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?