Your Favorite Comedians’ Favorite Jokes

‘Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

“Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg,” Sol responds.

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“Okay, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” (via Readers Digest) 

Mike Birbiglia Telling a Mitch Hedberg Joke

I wrote a letter to my dad. I wrote, “I really enjoyed being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a really harsh turn right away. (via Esquire)

‘The Office’s Craig Robinson

Why’d the man get fired from the orange-juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate. (via Vulture)

‘Parks and Recreation’s Mike Schur

Ron Swanson tells a coworker that the hot dog/hamburger stand in the bowling alley is his favorite restaurant.

Coworker: Really? Aren’t you scared to eat there?
Ron Swanson: When I eat, it is the food that is scared. (via Readers Digest) 

Fortune Feimster

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? One’s a dollar 99, and the other one’s under a buck. (via Vulture)

Maria Bamford

The peekaboo. It’s endless. It regenerates upon itself. (via Esquire)

Riki Lindholme Telling an Anthony Jeselnik Joke

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. (via Readers Digest) 

Tig Notaro

A couple is lying in bed. It’s the middle of the night, and there’s a knock on the door at three in the morning. The guy gets up out of bed and opens the door. He comes back to bed, and his wife says, “Who is that?” He says, “Oh, some stranger who wanted a push. I told him I couldn’t help him.” She says, “What if that was you? What if you needed a push in the middle of the night?” He says, “You’re right. Fine.” So he gets dressed, and he goes out into the darkness and yells, “Hey man, are you still there? Do you still need help?” The guy yells back, “Yeah, I do!” He says, “Where are you?” And he says, “I’m over here on the swing.” (via Vulture)

Natasha Leggero Telling a Mitch Hedberg joke

I’m sick of following my dreams — I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later. (via Readers Digest)