12 Children and What They Have in Their Mouths Right Now
You turned your back for one second, and now they’re staring at you, trying to subtly chew on something like an ill-behaved chipmunk. Spit it out!
An Oven Knob
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Good thing you needed to start dinner, or she’d have gnawed that thing down to the bone.
Two Action Figures
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No, they’re not allowed to “fight in there.” Give them!
Several Ball Bearings
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You bite down and your whole college fund is going straight to the dentist, buster.
All the Hair Off Her Barbie
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You don’t know what a bezoar is, little lady, but that’s how you get one.
Standing Water
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We’ve got six Poland Springs in the car, and you’re guzzling rainwater out of a public park birdbath? C’mon.
A Cyanide Pill
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Well, that’s not good.
A Cookie
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Oh, that’s fine. Why were you making such a weird face?
The Ghost of A Lovelorn Woman
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Ahh! Spit it out, but… go outside first!
A World War II Medal (German Side)
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Look, you’re not supposed to eat that, and you could have at least chosen the right side. You don’t get to go into pawn shops with daddy anymore.
A Sliver of Boiled Boot Leather
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Dylan! What did I say about pretending we’re in the Great Depression? Take that vest off!
The Lost Amulet of Apep, Snake God of Darkness and Disorder
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You’ve really done it now, little man. You’ve brought a great curse down upon this household. Hear that? Yup, that’s locusts.
Ugh, How the Hell Did This Guy Get in Here?
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This is an article about actual babies, you freak! He probably gets off on this. Whatever’s in his mouth, I don’t want to hear about it.