15 Jokes to Powerwash the Depression Off Your Grey Matter
You’ve got a lot of bummers clogging up that beautiful brain of yours. Let’s give you a clean slate!
Garrison Keillor on Organized Religion
“Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
Andy Field on the Harshest Proposed Abortion Ban Yet
“My friend says you haven’t lived until you’ve tasted his homemade carbonara. Weird stance on abortion, if you ask me.”
Frank Carson’s Buddy Had an Eventful Night
“Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says, ‘Is that Dublin 22 33 22?’ Paddy says, ‘No it’s Dublin 223 322!’ The caller apologizes for waking him in the middle of the night. Paddy says, ‘Oh it’s all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!’”
Robyn Perkins on Kids These Days
“Kids take ages to grow. The average Brit doesn’t move out for 26.3 years. Do you know how long it takes the average harp seal to move out? Twelve days. Most Brits haven’t even learned to drink by then.”
George Burns Was a Bit of a Prodigy
“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
Andy Field Says Date to Be Great
“The triple jump world record is only a hop, skip and a jump away.”
Gilbert Gottfried Knows Your Pain, You Lonely Weirdo You
“I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.”
John-Luke Roberts Has an Elegant Solution to a Common Conundrum
“How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar? One of them has a bugle. And the other one is really upset that his bugle’s been stolen.”
Groucho Marx on the Institution of Marriage
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Brodi Snook on Having Hard Conversations With Parents
“How can I explain pan-sexuality to my family? They think falafel is a capital city.”
RIP to Harry Hill’s Aunt
“My aunt used to say, ‘What you can’t see, can’t hurt you.’ Well, she died of radiation poisoning a few months back.”
Andy Field Is Community-Minded
“I was asked to watch someone’s laptop while they went to the bathroom. And it was stolen, but I saw the whole thing.”
Henny Youngman on the Perils of Traveling for Work
“I was just in London. There’s a six-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.”
Alexander Fox Can Do It All
“I’m what you’d call a Renaissance man. I’m skilled across the arts, and I’ve probably got syphilis.”
Jack Benny, Coming After the Boy Scouts
“A Scout troop consists of 12 little kids dressed like schmucks, following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.”