14 Jokes to Dispel the Darkness
If you’re consumed by utter darkness, you have three options: get professional psychiatric help, move out of Scandinavia for the winter or read this baker’s dozen(ish) of delightful jokes.
Lee Evans Is a Walking Beeper
“My phone will ring at 2 a.m., and my wife’ll look at me and go, ‘Who’s that calling at this time?’ I say, ‘I don’t know. If I knew that, we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.’”
Greg Davies Is Prepared for Any Emergency
“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!”
Billy Connolly’s Helpful Little Poem
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.”
Therapy Is Going Great for Stewart Francis
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
Alan Carr Knows How to Set Boundaries
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’”
Dara Ó Briain Has Come Up with the Best Argument for Evolution to Date
“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?”
Lew Fitz Is Looking for Love
“I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving till I find her.”
Andy Field Believes Jonas Hanway Had a Stutter
“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hesitated.”
It’s on the Tip of Jimeoin’s Tongue
“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…”
Ed Byrne Wants a Do-Over on Naming His Kids
“I have two boys — 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.”
Olaf Falafel Just Hopes It Doesn’t Run in the Family
“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died. Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.”
Phil Wang on Death
“For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.”
Mark Smith Can’t Believe the Stats
“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad, because those places are really well lit.”
Tiff Stevenson Thinks Brexit Was a Bad Idea
“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you’re constipated.”