15 Funniest Roast Jokes That Had Somebody Crying in Their Pillow Later
Comedians are a notoriously jovial, kindhearted bunch. But every so often, one of them will reach deep down within themselves, tap into some childhood trauma (if applicable) and use their god-given talent to make a peer feel bad. Here are some of the most deliciously cruel roasts in modern history…
Nikki Glaser Calling Out Rob Lowe
“Rob defies age… restrictions. I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I’d known that’s when I had my best shot.”
Greg Giraldo on Jeff Foxworthy
“Jeff has always been an original and an innovator. Back when everyone was doing corny observational comedy, Jeff came up with the idea of doing it in a Southern accent.”
Norm Macdonald Giving It Right Back to Giraldo
“Greg Giraldo has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl and the eye of an eagle. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds.”
Gilbert Gottfried, Appropriately, Roasting Himself When Talking About Paul Reubens’ 1991 Arrest
“If masturbation’s a crime, I should be on death row. To think that at age 14, I was already Al Capone.”
Martha Stewart Pulling a U-Turn and Getting Her Own Ass Mid-Roast
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup, and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin-tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best, and it’s so much fun to say.”
Andy Samberg Nuking Some of the Best in the Biz
“Here's one: Nick Kroll, Seth Rogen and Bill Hader walk into a bar. They’re there to pick me up because I’m an alcoholic who can’t manage my feelings. Nailed you fuckers. Suck a butt.”
Betty White Sticking It to William Shatner
“I once had sex with William Shatner. I remember he was up on top of me, huffing and puffing, and I’m like, ‘You’d better wrap it up, Bill, the roast is going to start any minute.’”
Natasha Leggero Breaking Through the Bro Jokes at James Franco’s Roast
“James Franco. Acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing — is there anything you can do?”
Seth Green Ripping into Roseanne Barr
“The thing with Roseanne is she has enough money not to work. But she still does a TV show every few years to punish the rest of us. You’ve even had two reality shows, which is a lot for someone who is completely out-of-touch with reality.”
Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Ed Norton’s Career
“Who could forget Ed as the Incredible Hulk? The Avengers franchise, that’s who. Let’s give him a round of applause. I know Mark Ruffalo does every night.”
Nikki Glaser Hitting David Spade Where It Hurts
“David Spade, the host with the most… step stools in your apartment. David, you’ve seriously influenced so many female comics… haircuts.”
Alec Baldwin Getting Eviscerated by His Own Daughter
“He’s more than some lunatic that loses his temper. He also loses Emmys and Oscars and custody of his firstborn child.”
Greg Giraldo Dunking on Jeff Ross
“Jeff Ross just hosted some ridiculous talent show on ABC. A talent show, where do you get the balls to host a talent show? You running a talent show is like Michael Vick running the ASPCA.”
Snoop Dogg with This Prescient Roast of Donald Trump’s Presidential Ambitions Way Back in 2011
“Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a Black family out of their home.”
Sean Hayes on the Downfall of Robert De Niro
“Robert, what is a legend like you doing at a comedy roast? Is this the same Robert DeNiro who did Little Fockers and Dirty Grandpa? Yeah, I guess it kind of makes sense. I can’t wait until someone makes an offer you can refuse.”