15 Funny Jokes for Your Weekend Perusal
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to turn off the bad screen and bury your nose in the good screen! Let these comedians bring a little bit of enrichment to your enclosure while you recharge your batteries for another invigorating week of trading your human capital for discounted health insurance!
Kick Off a Highly Destructive Weekend, Iliza Shlesinger-Style
“The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.”
If You’re Managing a Household of Tiny Humans, Ali Wong Feels Your Pain
“I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is: you got to be a mom. It's a wack-ass job. You get no 401K, no co-workers. You’re just in solitary confinement all day long with this human Tamagotchi.”
Gary Gulman Has a Culinary Reminder, In Case You’re Doing Some Baking
“Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.”
If You Have to Interact with a Human This Weekend, May Your Conversation Be as Satisfying as Tig Notaro’s
“For the majority of my adult life, I have been mistaken for a man at least once a week. It’s more than that, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m exaggerating. But I also feel confident that probably nobody here is like, ‘Eh, we are gonna need some examples.’ It doesn’t bother me. I feel comfortable with who I am. I know what I am. You can call me a choo-choo train, doesn’t matter. I know who I am. Now, I can’t believe it took me 46 years to come up with this response. And if this happens to you, please feel free to use it. Give me credit, ‘cause it’s good. I went into a shop and walked up to the counter and the man behind the cash register said, ‘How can I help you, sir?’ And I said, ‘Just the gum, ma’am.’ And we were just in this lockdown moment of utter confusion just like, ‘Yeah I don’t know what I’m looking at either.’ I don’t know how he felt about that exchange but I know for myself I did leprechaun kicks the entire way home.”
Got Big Weekend Plans? Consider Backing Out at the Last Minute, as Per John Mulaney
“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
If You’re Traveling This Weekend, See If You Can Make a New Friend, Like Sarah Silverman Ddid
“I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane, and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
Take Some Time to Set Ambitious Goals Like Mitch Hedberg
“I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said, ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth-year anniversary of you asking me this question.’”
Thinking About Kicking Off a Healthy Workout Routine? Read This Janeane Garofalo Quote and Think Again
“By staying out of shape at the age of 33, I’m doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I’ve ‘let myself go.’ I’ve gone. It’s gone. It’s not going, it’s GONE.”
Wasting Away Your Weekend Reading Listicles Like Taylor Tomlinson? Don’t Let Them Go to Your Head
“I read too many of those ‘signs he’s cheating’ articles. Have you read those? They’re all the same. Like, ‘Oh, did he buy you flowers? He feels guilty. Oh, did he call you ‘babe’? He doesn’t know your name. Was he nice to your family? He slept with your mom.’”
If You’re Single and Spending the Weekend Alone, Let Rodney Dangerfield Cheer You Up
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
If You Run a Very Specific Type of Small Business, You Now Have a Weekend Mission, Courtesy of Demetri Martin
“If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”
Keeping Up with the College Basketball Season? Heed Norm Macdonald’s Advice
“We could nip March Madness in the bud if we watch for the warning signs of Brooding Antisocial February Fever.”
Bo Burnham Has Your Weekend Mantra (If You’re a Dog)
“Roses are grey. Violets are a different shade of grey. Let’s go chase cars!”
Prepping for a Game Night? Don’t Make the Same Mistake Steven Wright Did
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died.”
Enjoy This Jim Gaffigan Classic If You’re Already Struggling with Dry January
“When you don’t drink, people always need to know why. They’re like, ‘You don’t drink? Why?’ This never happens with anything else. ‘You don’t use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise?’”