20 Hilarious Stand-Up Jokes That’ll Split Your Sides But Somehow Also Have You in Stitches

Get ready for a serious ab workout!
20 Hilarious Stand-Up Jokes That’ll Split Your Sides But Somehow Also Have You in Stitches
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Have you ever noticed that whenever someone does something remotely physical, they always say, “Well, that’s my workout for the day?” What’s with that? 

Man, if we were as good as these world-class stand-ups, we could probably write a sweet punchline to that set-up. Guess we’ll just stick to pre-list blurbs about world-class stand-up jokes. 

Gotta know your strengths, ya know? Here are those jokes we mentioned. Wocka! Wocka!

Aparna Nancherla

A LOT OF TIMES, I'LL FEEL SAD FOR NO REASON...BUT THEN I'LL REMEMBER SOME OF THE REASONS. - APARNA NANCHERLA

Anthony Jeselnik

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Jim Gaffigan

People don't want to hear about home birth. They're like, 'Oh, you had your baby at home? Yeah, we were gonna do that, but we wanted our baby to live.

Patton Oswalt

Not only are buffets gonna come back, they're gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.

Kyle Kinane

I'm 42 years old, and my name is Kyle. You know what that means? I'm on borrowed time. There's no such thing as an old Kyle. Nobody went to Grandpa Kyle's for Christmas this year.

Todd Glass

Here's the business plan for Target: We'll basically sell what K-Mart sells but we'll wipe sh off.

Nick Swardson

I really just want to get through life without getting stabbed. I don't care if I don't save a million people or cure anything, just please don't stab. If I'm in heaven and I didn't get stabbed, I win.

Bo Burnham

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

J.B. Smoove

am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.

Martin Lawrence

Weed has you at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

Patrice O’Neal

I'm too afraid to not believe in God. Like I'm not an atheist, I'm like before that. Like, I believe in God when I'm on planes, like I really believe in God.

Taylor Tomlinson

Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you're looking at your friends, asking, Do I look weird?

Steve Martin

Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.

Groucho Marx

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Richard Pryor

had to stop drinking though 'cause got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

Bo Burnham (Him Again)

A Haiku My aunt used to say, Slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

Bill Burr

Why the hell do people keep getting married? If you were going skydiving, and they told you half the parachutes weren't gonna open, you'd be like, I'm not going! I don't like those odds.

John Mulaney

When I'm walking down the street, no one's ever like Hey! Look at that man. think they're just like, Whoa! That tall child looks terrible. Get some rest, tall child.

Alex Edelman

Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off?

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