22 Jokes We, Personally, Wouldn’t Have the Guts to Deliver on Stage

The bravery on these funny folks is commendable
22 Jokes We, Personally, Wouldn’t Have the Guts to Deliver on Stage
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Since writing hilarious pre-list blurbs doesn’t directly translate to writing hilarious stand-up jokes, we have our work cut out for us. Researching top-notch jokes helps with the delivery side of things, but it doesn’t help with the bravery. The act of getting up there in front of people and telling deeply personal or shocking jokes is something we would really have to muster up some gumption for. 

Here, you check out some wild things comedians have said on stage while we curl back up in a ball under our desks…

Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Just For Laughs I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Bo Burnham

Во Burnham CRACKED.COM Oh THAT'S how it works. For 15 cents a day you can feed an African. They eat pennies.

Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Comedy Dynamics Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman CRACKED COM A womanizer from a young age. From 6th to 12th grade I was in special ed. They put me in special ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in special ed.... For the ladies.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks on Christian Marketing A lot of Christians wear a cross around their neck. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he'll want to see a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. 'Hey Jackie, just thinking of John. We loved him.

Jack Whitehall

Jack Whitehall I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor CRACKED.COM I think there's been some sort of mistake... I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn't nothing but white people staring at me. I said, Ain't this a b***h. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthaf****g heaven.

Laurie Kilmartin

Laurie Kilmartin on Sex My favorite part of sex is when a guy has an orgasm. Because that's the only time a man is completely defenseless. If there was an earthquake during a guy's orgasm, he couldn't even save his own life. That's why men and women never climax together; one of us has to be alert so we can pull our partner to a doorway where they can ejaculate in safety.

Paul F. Tompkins

Paul F. Tompkins on Parents Let's say you know 100 percent beyond the shadow of a doubt that you'd take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr on the Make-A- Wish Foundation Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation; they can work to a deadline.

Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers on Her Self Image I have no sex appeal, and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro on Her Breasts I notice more and more women are getting fake boobs. Meanwhile, I haven't even gotten real ones yet. I mean, I have boobs. They're just concave. So much so they even kinda stick out of my back a little bit.

Dave Attell

Dave Attell on Relationships I don't have a girlfriend, but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming, 'No, that's not what I said!

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks on His Father I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say, 'Yeah? When?'

Bob Saget

Bob Saget on Intimidation My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. Не said that's how he dealt with my mom.

Bo Burnham

Во Burnham on Fire and His Father My father was a real man's man. Не believed you should fight fire with fire, which is a horrible way to live your life... Because he was a firefighter. So, he's fired.

George Wallace

George Wallace on Death You always hear about people dying of 'natural causes.' Shout out to all the folks taken out by supernatural causes. Asshole ghosts straight up yankin' on the steering wheel and whatnot.

Doug Benson

Doug Benson on a Relatable Occurrence Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik on Hypocrites I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty, and he hanged himself.

Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope on a Different Kind of Speaker I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot more positive.

George Carlin

George Carlin on Shopping Go into a gun store, buy a gun, and buy some ammunition. Then ask them if they have any ski masks.

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes on Strip Clubs I went to this one strip club with the guys after the show. We get to the strip club, and they actually tried to charge me a cover. Can you believe that? You want me to pay? I was like, 'Pay?! Are you out your damn mind? Come on, man; I brought my own titties.

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