35 of the Funniest Insults People Have Heard

Talk about being the butt of a joke
35 of the Funniest Insults People Have Heard

Getting told you’re the reason that toothpaste has instructions absolutely stings, but you can’t deny its minty kick either. While insults are designed to burn, some are undeniably funny, too — even when they’re at your expense. After all, you can’t really do anything but laugh when someone says that you alone constitute three of the five overweight people they know. 

That and the one about the toothpaste instructions are just a couple of the funniest insults these Redditors have heard — so dig in for the rest and don’t feel bad at all for laughing. 

woetotheconquered e 8y ago My friend to a girl with lots of freckles: It looks like someone took a shit on you through a screen door. 367 ...
 8y ago 'Somewhere out there there's a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologise to it.' 552 ...
Discordic00 8y ago . You couldn't orginize a blow job if you were in a Nevada brothel with a pocket full of a hundred dollar bills. What my coworker said to the boss, never have I laughed so hard. + Share 1.4K ...
socialassassin87 . 8y ago Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it. 1.1K Share ...
ILovePokemonWiener 8y ago A friend of mine posted a picture of one of our coworkers in the Navy, and said roast me. The top comment was The only thing your mother wants for Christmas is a folded flag. + 32K Share ...
JCIAM4 e 8y ago Was playing beer pong and I shouted fuck me in frustration and my friend responded with its been 21 years haven't you figured out no one wants to do that. 2.5K Share ...
 8y ago . Edited 8y ago Wow, Harold, you are dumber than a block of wood and not nearly as useful. My slavic dad telling off a dude. Edit: said in a Russian accent. + 10K Share ...
Moh_Jay 8y ago . Xbox live a few years ago: Person 1: My penis is 1 inch.... Off the ground Person 2: because you're a fucking dwarf 260 Share ...
matt2884 E 8y ago e I'm sort of clumsy. I've been told by two people 10 years apart that while being clumsy I look like a bear trying to fuck a foot ball. 3.9K Share ...
SirTokes_A_Lot . 8y ago e You are like the end piece of bread in a loaf, everyone touches you but no one wants you. + 8.3K Share ...
Nakedmexican e 8y ago e I was on a shitty team on Overwatch and someone says I'd say you guys are cancer but at least cancer kills. no one was even mad at that. + 12K Share ...
FirefighterJose o 8y ago God wasted a good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth A southern burn. 8.4K Share ...
TrinSims E 8y ago You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life + 11K Share ...
welovemeconrad 8y ago One day, I was walking with some friends to my University's quad, when out of the blue this girl walks past me and says, Hey, nice sandals. I said thanks, and then she yells back, enjoy the last supper, and continues on her way. I couldn't function the rest of the day. + 690 Share ...
Aberinkular 8y ago . Me and some buddies were having a Munchkin night, when one of em said Man my life just flashed before my eyes! Totally deadpan, about one second after, the friend right across from him said Wow...that must've sucked 483 Share ...
DippyMcDumbAss 8y ago . Bitchy lady with little kids at the store; she gets tired of waiting in line and yells Hurry up! I have kids! To which a guy in line behind her replied Well ma'am, we all make mistakes, don't we?. + 3.7K Share ...
scapeity 8y ago I held the door open for an old black woman at work one day (I am pasty white) and she looked at me dead in the eye and said Fuck you mayonaise monkey and went through the door like I was not there. I had no fucking idea if that was an insult or how I should take it, so I had to go find a black co-worker to get a ruling... he died laughing and started calling his friends on speaker phone. I am haunted to this day. + 4.6K Share ...
forbiddenway 8y ago Grade 9. A vaguely chubby jerk in our class pipes up The only way I'm dating a girl is if she's blonde with big tits. Friend of mine immediately responds Well we can't all be blonde and big breasted like you, Mark. Share 376 ...
 8y ago . From the south. Back in highschool one of the redneck kids at school was picking on my buddy, and he turns around and says Mike, I wonder if you'd be able to speak more clearly if your parents were second cousins instead of first. 1K Share ...
Faultylogic83 8y ago o 16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that. + 12K Share ...
 g 8y ago You're the byproduct of too much tequila and a gas station condom. + 1.1K ...
Jameswc 0 8y ago . Edited 8y ago I know five fat people and you're three of them. 2.7K ...
 6y ago If he was any more inbred, he'd be a sandwich. 2.7K ...
joseamaria E 6y ago One day, in the midst of a childhood argument, my sister turned round and said to me you're nothing but spare parts for me + 1.9K ...
maypanda 9 6y ago I've seen more meat on a lettuce. My dad used to say it to me whenever I'd say 'Oh I'm fat, I hate the way I look'. So an insult but .. .. kinda .. upbeat. 659 ...
sugah1234 . 6y ago E You're the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them. 2.5K ...
Sufficient-Piece-Os 1y ago Friends dad walked in while we were gaming with others for a sleep over at his house and said, this has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen My quick mouth replied, clearly you've never looked in the mirror We all busted up so hard. I was sent home. + 17 ...
churro_luvin_milf . 1y ago It appears that your brain cells are not holding hands right now. + 46 ...
ezklv . 1y ago 0 Some people bring joy wherever they go and some bring joy whenever they go. + 60 ...
EvilColonelSanders . 1y ago e Don't play dumb with me, because you will win. + 93 ...
C55H10406 8y ago . When arguing with a British friend (I'm American) about their inferior spellings and pronunciations, he let out a I have furniture older than your country. + 4.4K ...
ZeromusPrime 8y ago . If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of you Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you fucking idiot + 6.9K ...
politikamusic e 8y ago If you gave him an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. + 1.7K ...
dfcdiving 8y ago Said in a Louisiana drawl, Boy, you got more excuses than a pregnant Nun. + 1.2K ...
Hovie1 8y ago в Edited 8y ago Playing cards one night with friends. My new girlfriend was there. I got cleaned out by a friend. Me: You fucker. Him: You fuck her, you brought her! Edit: Almost forgot the best part. They'll be married 6 years in September. + 1.7K ...

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