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June 12, 2024

Everybody, listen up! Ashton Kutcher's got something to say!

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CRACKED.COM I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but you know, smart and kind- hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you and we would have chubby little freckled-faced kids. Jim Carrey to Emma Stone, in a public on- camera message that is totally not creepy — Source

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I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian. Mike Tyson, referring to a South American sovereign state of obscurity CRACKED.COM — Source

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ah CRACKED.COM دي علام AH Emirates FREE Dubai 13 th Du ational Internat estival ilm Fes Pandora.. Whoever you are!! Thank you!! I get tweets about you playing my music all the time!! A tweet from Tyrese, who at least seems to know that Twitter isn't a person دب ب السيلماني 13 Co — Source

25

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush. Sylvester Stallone, oddly not pitching this as a premise for a Pixar movie CRACKED.COM — Source

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I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is. Sienna Miller, apparently believing that emphysema is a state of mind CRACKED.COM — Source

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CRACKED.COM pitalOn iH I'm so obsessed with you I want to skin you and wear you like Versace. Katy Perry, taking weeb culture to horrifying levels — Source

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CRACKED.COM I love the smell of diapers. I even like when they're wet and you smell them all warm, like a baked good. Sarah Jessica Parker, truly finding yum in someone else's yuck (somehow) — Source

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CRACKED.COM m G I hate flying. Know why? Because no one really understands how planes actually work. Adam Levine, who lacks access to Google — Source

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CRACKED.COM Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost an important part of your life. Brooke Shields, exhaling harsh truths after clearly inhaling something else — Source

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I've been on food stamps and welfare, anybody help me out? No. Craig T. Nelson showing off his bootstraps on Fox News CRACKED.COM — Source

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CRACKED.COM C P. MEDIT PARIS HILT Hol Everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me. Paris Hilton, presumably talking about her previous lives Hollywood — Source

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I'm thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, 'Why stop at one?'... Therefore, I'm considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around. Robert Downey Jr., who knows the correct way to spend money CRACKED.COM

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CRACKED.COM I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to. Shaquille O'Neal when asked if he visited the Parthenon while in Greece — Source

15

CRACKED.COM It's my placenta. My mom found it in my basement, crushed it up, and made it into a necklace that I wear every day to improve my psychic abilities. Ke$ha, discussing her Horcrux (we think) — Source

14

CRACKED.COM We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion. David Beckham, maybe considering Buddhaptizing his child — Source

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CRACKED COM I'm not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad. Justin Bieber, voicing a better political opinion than most cable pundits — Source

12

Ashton Kutcher

IUAL If the fat people just gave the skinny people more food... we could solve obesity and hunger at the same time. Ashton Kutcher, solving the world's problems while trying to mathematically figure out how you can have 2.5 men CRACKED.COM — Source

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If you're traveling, you can't be racist. Jamestown BISMARCK FARGO DE You can't be homophobic. Mackinaw City TH DAKOTA 75 H PID CITY O Sagina an 90 LANSING 96 ASKA 75 69 - - . North в Wayne Man Platte AO 75 hitchiking DAYTON CIN KANSAS 70 CLUB 77 Salina FRANKI 70 LOUISVILLE I think the TOPEKA only KANSAS way CITY you ST LOUIS can be racist or exi homophobic is if you never leave the 75 neighborhood you were born in, and you NOX АНО hang around with stupid people. So I've 40 AS 75 always thought that someone — Source

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If enough grains of sand are dropped into one side of a pair of scales they will, in the end, tip it against a lump of lead. We may feel powerless alone but the joint efforts of individuals can defeat the evils of our time. Queen Elizabeth II CRACKED.COM — Source

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It took a lot of courage to be nonviolent, especially when people had clubs, dogs, handcuffs and all that s**t. Bob Neuwirth, singer/songwriter, talking about Joan Baez's political activism. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Nora Ephron

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim. Nora Ephron Journalist, writer, filmmaker CRACKED.COM — Source

7

GRAGKED.COM Tom Anderson, creator of Myspace, tweeted: Describing yourself as classy and elegant is definite proof you are neither. outh BOS CHURE bit RAL LITAN west by LE AWARDS TOR CO O R TAN — Source

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CRACKED.COM MR R F C Don't be a pretentious f*ckface. - Anna Kendrick — Source

5

CRACKED COM You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. -Victor Hugo, quote from his journal Things Seen. — Source

4

Ellen Pompeo (Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy) once went up to see Harvey Weinstein in his hotel room. Не didn't try anything, but if he had, Pompeo - who grew up around some very tough people -knew what she'd do. She says she probably would have picked up a vase and cracked him over the f***ing head. CRACKED.COM — Source

3

Tom Hanks doesn't mind working with people who act like dicks, if it's part of their creative process and not a power play. And if it is a power play? Hanks says: TH THE If it's a dickishness that means everybody else doesn't get to work at their best level-if you being a dick means you're going to encroach upon my process, there'll be a slug fest in the parking lot. CRACKED.COM — Source

2

It was Hallowe' 'en last night and I was the only one who didn't have to dress up because I'm already there. Helena Bonham Carter, on her way of dressing. GRAGKED.COM — Source

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GRAGKED CON Vincent van Gogh: Even if I fall down 99 times, the hundredth time, too, I'll get up! — Source

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