15 Cynical Observations From Stand-Up Comedians
Being a professional angry jerk sounds like a pretty nice career, actually. Too bad I’m not allowed to get cynical in these stupid list intros. This place STINKS.
Stewart Lee on Modern (British) Politics
“Both the main parties believe the poor should be tied up in a bin bag and thrown into a canal. The Conservatives, to be fair to them, at least have the guts to look as though they believe that. When the Labour Party announced their support for welfare cuts, they did so with all the confidence of a dog running away from its own farts.”
Charlie Brooker on Pope Benedict XVI, Who Became the First Pope Since the 13th Century to Retire Instead of Just Die in Office
“I hope God’s going to give him a good reference for his next job.”
Jimmy Carr Knows Timing Is Everything
“My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
Edgar Bergen on the Perils of Applying Yourself
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
Sara Pascoe on Her Unfortunate Sex Education
“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect. There is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, mum’d be proud.’”
Anthony Jeselnik Is Uncle of the Year
“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She refuses to let me hold him, though. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”
Gary Delaney Is Sticking It to a Stickler
“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.”
Frankie Boyle on Selective Outrage
“If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a 10-year-old in China.”
Billy Connolly, Feminist Extraordinaire
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
Ricky Gervais on the Very Definition of Treachery
“You have to be 100 percent behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.”
Katherine Ryan Resents Parents Telling Her That Her ‘Time Is Running Out’
“I have more time than you do because I don’t have to find 14 tiny shoes every morning and I don’t have to sleep with your husband.”
Michael McIntyre on His Son’s First Words
“My son’s got two words: car and map. That’s all he can say. ‘Car, car, map, car!’ I’m fairly worried he’s trying to escape. So if the next word is passport, we’re in serious trouble.”
Russell Howard on Lame Tattoo Trends
“Do you think butterflies get tattoos of white girls on their lower backs?”
Anthony Jeselnik Is Always Looking on the Bright Side
“I’m not even the biggest jerk in my family. I had this cousin. Everybody hated this cousin. My own family hated this cousin. And then a couple of years ago, my cousin fell off of a horse and broke his neck. We all refer to that as ‘The Superman Incident.’ Because that horse is a hero.”
Frankie Boyle on the Glamorous Side of the Military-Industrial Complex
“Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people, they’ll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.”
