18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 1, 2023

18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 1, 2023

Where will you be when the horses rise up against us? Hope you treat them well. It’d be really painful to have them ride on our backs while having our shoes nailed to our feet. You’ll need something to make you laugh during such trying horse-times. Hopefully these jokes do the trick.

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Dana Gould on Avoiding a Fight

“There’s only one way to avoid having a fight, and for men, it’s very simple. Never finish this sentence: ‘You want to know what I think? Because I’ll tell you what I think!’ No one ever had a great night at home after finishing that thought. It’s one of those sentences that tells you the real trouble’s coming right around the corner. Right up there with ‘Watch me scare the president!’”

Frankie Boyle on Steve Jobs

“People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude toward battery life.”

Martin Lawrence on MLK

“I see (video of) Martin (Luther King) going through Birmingham, Alabama, and a racist white boy picked up a rock, like half a boulder or some shit, and he pitched that motherfucker like he was pitching for the Orioles and hit Martin in his head. And all Martin did was say, ‘Nonviolent, nonviolent… My head’s bleeding right now, nonviolent, nonviolent; I’m having a dream right now.’ And I was proud! It takes a strong man to get hit in the head with half a boulder and still say, ‘Nonviolent’! But if you’re like me, then one time you’d love to hear Martin say, ‘You motherfuckers hit me with a rock! I’ll beat your bitch ass, you motherfucker. Fuck that, Coretta, these n****s think I’m soft!’”

Zach Galifianakis on Dyslexia

“When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my dairy.

Todd Glass on Infomercials

“I love late-night infomercials. Even though they’re bad, I get addicted to them. And I love catchphrases. One of them is ‘Are you tired of…’ It’s a big thing, ‘Are you tired of’ — and it’s never anything you’re tired of. There’s one that says, ‘Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?’ Who’s tired of old-fashioned mops? Is there anyone going, ‘I can’t take these mops anymore! It’s bullshit! They’re not even advancing!’”

Mitch Hedberg on Plants

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

Richard Pryor on Drinking

“I stopped drinking ’cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.”

Daniel Tosh on Faking It

“Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.”

David Cross on Adaptations

“So at the CES, there was a guy selling off this porno called Fuck My Dirty Shithole: The Movie. I bet you’re thinking exactly what I was thinking, ‘How did they make that book into a movie?’”

Kevin Hart on Getting Kicked

“If you get kicked in the face, you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.”

Patton Oswalt on Zombies

Zombies can’t believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.”

Robin Williams on Weed in Sports

“They said that marijuana was a ‘performance-enhancing drug.’ Marijuana enhances many things — colors, tastes, sensations — but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you’re stoned, you’re lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it’s a performance-enhancing drug is if there’s a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run.”

Dave Attell on Eating Healthy

“What’s the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them: eat a penguin.”

Rodney Dangerfield on Pillow Talk

“During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.”

Demetri Martin on Inventions

“One of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”

George Carlin on Necrophilia

“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don’t have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually, they’re already there. Isn’t that nice and convenient?”

Wendy Liebman on Aging

“Now that I’m 49, I forget things. Like that I’m 48.”

Hannibal Buress on Questions

“‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’ Yes, they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster. ‘Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money?’ That’s a question. ‘Do you want to die tonight?’ That’s a question too. ‘What? What?’ That’s two questions.”

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