12 Easy Ways to Double Voter Turnout That Those Cowards Won't Implement
As we know, voter turnout is fairly abysmal here in our proud democracy. Every election year, an effort is made to increase the amount of people who vote, especially among the younger generation.
But instead of trying to rope in the hottest celebrities, if the country would simply consider my proposals below, I think we’d suddenly have every polling place in the nation filled to the brim. For some reason, though, my neatly printed envelopes containing this article keep getting returned from the White House.
Let People Use A Wax Seal
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I’ve never used a wax seal in my life, and I’d wait two hours to do so. Plus, it makes your vote feel way more important, like a raven’s going to carry it somewhere.
Give Out Better Pens
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Here in New York, you get a pen for voting, and it’s a piece of crap. Give me something I can feature in my study, made of gold and illegal elephant ivory.
Vote With Marbles, and You Can Watch the Jars Fill Up
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Count votes with marbles in jars, and broadcast those suckers on Twitch. You’ll have people carpooling to push their jar over the top if it looks dicey.
Vote Via Carnival Game
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You’ve heard of gamification, well, how about carnivalification? Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? I bet people would be more into voting if instead of marking a stupid piece of paper, they handed you a BB gun and let you fire at either a blue metal donkey, red metal elephant or straight into the trashcan.
The Ballot Box Is at the End of A Big Slide
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Heck, you can make it fun without all the moving parts and threats of eye injury. Just let people fill out their ballot at the top of a huge slide, and then deposit it at the bottom. Sure, old people might not want to do the slide, but they’ve voted enough at this point.
Crossover With Free Slurpee Day
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We’re basically an oligarchy already, why not just turn every 7-Eleven in the country into a polling place and give out free Slurpees after you vote? People haul kiddie pools to 7-Eleven on Free Slurpee Day to see if they’ll fill it up, I think we could get them to vote for president.
At the Very Least, Free Coffee
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Look, maybe we don’t want to go full Slurpee, so can we just get two tanks of coffee, iced and hot, to thank people for weighing in on the country? I’m not going to the polls and Dunkin’ Donuts in the same morning.
Pay Me
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You say it’s my civic duty — well, it sounds like unpaid labor to me. Cash, Venmo or even a tax credit. Pony up.
Voting Gives You A Credit for One Little Crime
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If you vote, you’ve done a great service for this country. So, they should let you off-the-hook for one mini-crime during that four-year span. I’m not talking wire fraud, I’m saying you’re allowed to pee outside or park illegally for a couple hours.
Tell Kids There’s Porn in the Booth
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Just start a rumor that you’re not allowed to vote until you’re 18 because there’s nudie pictures in there. Youth vote turnout solved.
Promise Not to Text Me for Four Years
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Here’s the deal: If I vote, you’re not allowed to text, email or call me about it for two or four years. As long as I vote regularly, you guarantee to absolutely never contact me. If I don’t? Flood my inbox like you’ve been doing for the last two months.
Make Election Day A Federal Holiday
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Weirdly, this is the only one they responded with a hard “no” to?