10 Photos of British Foods That Are Proof Positive That British Food Is Awful

Okay, now this definitely feels like biting into a testicle. I don’t think the pork pie’s problem was “lack of wet orbs.”

God, and I thought I hated how porkpie hats looked. I assumed I was looking at pictures of uncooked ones, but apparently that is the right color on the inside. There’s no way eating this doesn’t feel like biting into a breaded testicle.

The high regard that the British hold hard-boiled eggs in is entirely inexplicable. It’s almost impressive to take the classic pairing of sausage and eggs and make this many wrong decisions about how to best prepare both.

If there’s one thing British cooks love, it’s making the worst mess you’ve ever seen and then calling it something that sounds like a chapter out of The Wind in the Willows. I see no holes. No toad. Only something that looks like a divorced dad had to use the oven to make hot dogs because the stove broke.

Their preferred breakfast looks like they slid a plate under that soldier that got gutted on the beach in Saving Private Ryan.

I assume this was invented at the British food factory when a worker carrying a box of cabbage bumped into a worker carrying a box of scabs.

This one in particular always has Brits crying, “It’s not that bad!” I understand that it likely just tastes like peas. But why did you do that to them? Were spheres too spicy of a shape for your Anglo-Saxon palates? “I love baby food, but it’s a bit rich.”

Could I make fun of the name, as many before me have? Sure, but I don’t think I need to. A reminder that this is their idea of a dessert. It looks like it was meant to protect a bowl from breaking during shipment, not constitute the most decadent part of a meal.

This is what the Hobbits ate when it was Gollum’s turn to cook.

The decorative fish heads poking out of this pie serve double duty as a warning. Though the word “decorative” feels a little too nice here. Maybe “vestigial” would be a better fit. This looks like something the Puritans would do to fish that they thought had magic powers to ensure their souls went to hell.