14 Funny, But Highly Enlightening Words of Wisdom from Commencement Speeches
Conan O’Brien, Bill Watterson, Ellen DeGeneres — these once-in-a-generation talents have provided light in our darkest moments. So it stands to reason that they’d bring some shade to our brightest days, too.
Conan O’Brien Says Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
“Parents, write this down: Many of you haven’t seen your children in four years. Now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the Wi-Fi isn’t working.”
Stephen Colbert Is Responsible for Countless Improv Teams
“Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what’s going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.”
Mindy Kaling Says You Probably Didn’t Learn Anything of Value
“Most of your post-college life is simply filling out forms. Car insurance, health insurance, W-2s, W-4s, 1099s. Guess what? None of us know what any of those forms mean, but you will fill out a hundred of them before you die.”
Russell Baker Rolls Out the Red Carpet for New Graduates
“The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don’t do it. I have been out there. It is a mess.”
George Foreman’s Advice Is Sound Because College Graduates, Famously, Can Sleep Until Whenever
“Sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at four in the afternoon, I’d be a college graduate today.”
Andy Samberg Has a Way With Words
“You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that’s wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that’s worse. This is a day.”
Ellen DeGeneres Has Some Practical Advice
“Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means you should follow that.”
Robert Orben Says to Avoid Conformity, Starting Tomorrow
“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.”
Gary Bolding Says Timing Is Everything
“Your families are extremely proud of you. You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.”
George W. Bush Knows Firsthand That It’s Usually the Worst and Dumbest of a Generation That Gets to Lead It
“To those of you who are graduating this afternoon with high honors, awards and distinctions, I say, ‘Well done.’ And as I like to tell the C students: You too, can be president.”
Maya Rudolph’s Fondest Wishes
“This is a great, great day for you. Except for those of you leaving college with any student loan debt. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m sorry. I hope you win the lottery. I don’t know what to tell you about that.”
Bill Watterson Never Was Much of an Optimist
“So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.”
Will Ferrell Says to Pace Yourself With That Intellectual Curiosity
“As you set off into the world, don’t be afraid to question your leaders. But don’t ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your leaders get tired and/or cranky.”
Ed Helms Says to Face Your Fears
“If our ancestors didn’t feel fear, the whole species probably would have been trampled by mammoths a long time ago. But if they never examined their fears — no delicious mammoth-burgers. And so, success lies in the tension between fear and discovery.”