12 Canadian Brands That Feel Completely Made Up
Canada, to Americans, is weird. A reputation they’re unlikely to shake anytime soon. Canadians are quick to fire back, going on and on about their “quality of life” and “free healthcare,” but let’s face facts: You’re drinking milk out of a bag, my guys.
Adding to the feeling that Canada is some sort of bizarro America are the brands available up north, which all feel pulled from a movie trying not to get sued. Comedian J.P. McDade summed it up perfectly when he tweeted, “You think you could live in Canada, but then you find out they call Kermit the Frog ‘Green Dennis’ or something and the deal is off.”
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Well, here are 12 Green Dennis-ass brands I refuse to believe are real…
Boston Pizza
It would seem like a major American city name, coupled with “pizza,” would be a pretty easy way to get a non-weird restaurant name. Yet somehow, they ended up with Boston Pizza, possibly the last city in America I would travel to in search of a slice.
Hawkins’ Cheezies
Hawkins
This looks like set dressing from a Quentin Tarantino movie. Can’t you imagine Samuel L. Jackson reaching his hand into this bag and waxing poetic about the nature of life compared to a cheesy corn snack?
Big Turk
Nestle
Chocolate on the outside… Turkish Delight on the inside? This is what happens when an accident at the candy factory doesn’t end up with a delicious new flavor of Reese’s. I was curious if this is better than it looks, so I asked comedian and Canadian Graham Kay. He assured me that it is not: “Oh yeah. Big Turk sucks.”
Hostess Hickory Sticks
Hostess
These are apparently some sort of incredibly smoky potato string. They also sound like they’d be slang for some sort of animal’s penis. Them being made by Hostess is even more confusing, Hostess living almost entirely in the world of sweets here in the U.S.
Kraft Dinner
Kraft
Simple. To the point. And wrong. Apparently, this is what they call Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
Maynards’ Sour Cherry Blasters
Maynards
This sounds like something Bart Simpson would eat that would make his eyes go all crazy. Add in that I’m to believe these were invented by a man named Maynard? Like the lead singer of Tool? Honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t shock me if he somehow owned the company.
Sam the Record Man
If someone said this to me, I would wonder if they were just trying to remember Sam Goody’s last name. But apparently, this is an entirely different thing, though apparently mostly in Toronto. The phrase “Welcome to Sam, The Record Man” just has strange, body horror vibes the whole way.
Future Shop
No, this isn’t a picture pulled from a brochure selling commercial real estate. This is the honest-to-god name of a series of electronics stores that are apparently normal. This isn’t a name, it’s something a time traveler from the past who’s trying to bring back advanced technology says after jumping in a cab.
Couche-Tard
Apparently, this is just French for “open late.” I still wouldn’t say it in public. I also don’t like how that owl is winking at me.
Homo Milk
Not exactly a brand name, but the phrase that’s used for whole milk in Canada. Short for “homogenized milk” but, c’mon man. Do you guys not get the news up there?
Smarties
Nestle
They have a candy called Smarties, but of course it’s wrong. Instead of the tart chalky discs we know and love, what seem to be M&M’s are instead called “Smarties.”
Rockets
Smarties Candy Company (as if it wasn't confusing enough)
And then they do have Smarties, but they’re called Rockets? What the hell is going on here, Canada? Get it together!